#169. Watch It. (You Know, the Movie About the Creepy Clown).

I'm flying to Chicago tomorrow. Instead of my usual binge drinking and hot dog eating, I'm going to the World Clown Convention.

When I first started Hey Eleanor, I asked my friends and family to name some scary ideas. Anything "...with a clown" was a common suggestion. I've decided there is one reason for this bizarre pseudo-fear:

Stephen King's IT.

I decided to watch the movie in anticipation of my big clown adventure.

YOU GUYS. I don't know how long it's been since you watched It, but the movie is unbelievably bad. Not scary at all, overly dramatic and so f$#%&*g long! I ain't got time for that! And did you know the Pennywise the Clown isn't even the child killer? Some alien spider thing that lives in the sewer is the real bad guy. Oh sorry, spoiler alert. Some people can't believe this was actually a network television miniseries because it's so scary; I can't believe it ever aired due to general terribleness.

I'm not really afraid of clowns, though I do find the whole clown realm really fascinating. I am actually pretty excited to check it out (and will have lots of photos and videos to share next week).

BTW, I'll be doing some clown interviews. Anything you've always wanted to know about clowns, but were to afraid to ask?

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Why I'm Terrified of Buying Houseplants

Ms. Green Thumb and a ficus or something.

When I say fear is subjective, this post is exactly what I am talking about. For some, buying houseplants is no more taxing than, say, boiling water. But for those of us who have literally never not killed a plant (ahem, ME), it's completely overwhelming. They're kind of expensive and just one more thing I need to keep alive (focusing on myself and two pets, plus the beyonce is hard enough!).

Thank god for Lynn, my botanical guru. Isn't she a babe?

Lynn is the manager of horticultural services at Phillips Gardens, where she designs & creates gorgeous landscapes (you know, the ones that make everyone else in the neighborhood green with envy, no pun intended... okay, pun intended). She agreed to help me navigate the enormous and delightfully warm & humid Tonkadale Greenhouse, which was clearly necessary for a newbie like me. I mean, look at that pic of Lynn... so many plants!

I arrived at Tonkadale armed with a very specific list of wants/needs:

I wanted to buy three plants (preferably of different varieties)
I needed plants that thrived on neglect (but not necessarily a cactus... that seemed a little too easy and definitely not cuddly enough)
I wanted things that looked pretty in my house. Specifically, something tall to put by the window in our dining room.

That was basically it. Lynn immediately led me toward their ficus selection-- a type of plant I've probably, maybe heard of. They don't need tons of direct sunlight and they can dry out a bit and not die immediately. Perfect.

I fell in love with this one immediately and named her Debbie:

With Debbie the Ficus, we only had two more plants to go. A few of the other contenders included other types of ficus, a terrestrial orchid and some sort of succulent named after The Hobbit (a botanist with a thing for LOTR... gosh golly, I love double nerds.)

Who's going to get Molly's final two roses?

In the end, it was the ficus, the terrestrial orchid (I love it because there are flowers, but it's not too fragile) and The Hobbit. These are perfect options for me because they're all fairly resilient plants, different sizes (one goes on the floor, the other two go on counters) and the most "needy" one only needs water about once a week. That was news to me... If left to my own devices, I probably would have watered all of them every other day. Maybe that's why every plant has died on me.

I guess I loved them too much.

Before I get to what happened next, I want to share some photos of Tonkadale's fairy gardens. There are dozens of these around the greenhouse, plus supplies to make one on your own at home! Maybe next time (?)

I actually love this little trailer fairy.

Next steps: re-potting my new plants! Lynn schooled me in this, too. Apparently with the ficus, we needed to tease the roots a bit before placing it into the new pot (which we'd already filled with a few inches of soil). Note: you're apparently not supposed to cover the stem (?) of the plant with dirt... just fill the pot up until the soil is level with the base of the plant.

The beyonce took this one... hence, it's a pretty good butt shot.

As you can see, Patsy has a green paw.

I basically did the same thing with the orchid:

And the Hobbit:

It's been a full week & all of the plants are still alive. And I absolutely love how they make the house feel.

Before leaving, Lynn gave me some sage words of wisdom: "Don't worry if some of the plants die. That just happens sometimes. I've killed lots of plants." Man, did that take the pressure off.

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13 Things I've Learned Through Whole30 (also, H.E. #161 - 167.)

Rogan Josh (or as we like to call it, "Seth Rogan") from Well Fed... delicious, but the copious amount of onions gave me heartburn. Gotta dial it back next time.

Confession: I was a monster the first week of the Whole30.

Snippy with coworkers, crabby at my beyonce, poopy toward my friends and family... I would say no one is happier than me that Week One is over, but I really don't think that's true.

In my last W30 post, I gave you a play-by-play of the hurdles, challenges and emotions I experienced during my first week. Sure, I could do that again, but really, isn't that just unbelievably boring? I think so, especially since week two was less of a roller coaster ride. Aside from the the fact that I felt bloated and yucky on days eight through ten, there wasn't much to report. Cooking was easier, I craved less no-no foods, and I finally worked up the courage to eat in a restaurant... three times!

Another highlight: I made Brussels sprouts "chips." Like kale chips, but with Brussles sprouts, obviously. Cover with olive oil, s & p & red pepper flakes, into the oven for 20-ish minutes at 400. Finish with lemon juice. Serve.

Instead, I am going to give you a list. The Internet loves lists. I love lists. It's a win-win. Without further ado...

13 Mostly Non-Food Related Things I've Learned Through Whole30.

1. Quit.

Skip a workout, ditch out on a meeting you're too overwhelmed for, tell your sorta-kinda friend that you can't attend their party bus birthday because you're washing your hair. You're going to be exhausted for a few days during the W30. Own it. Give yourself some time to relax for once. Quit doing whatever is going to keep you from being successful on the W30.

2. Do Simple, Nice Things for Yourself.

On Day 3 of the W30, I did something out of the ordinary: I lit a fancy candle while I was getting ready. I can't explain why this felt so luxurious, but it did. Why have I not been doing this every morning?! I have zero guilt treating myself to Dogwood coffee and no shame in listening to old school George Jones in the shower & blasting Enrique Iglesias' "Escapar" on my commute to work. I even built a Spotify playlist with songs I want at my wedding (I'm so cheesy. I don't care... I love it!). You can listen to that here.

3. I Am a People Pleaser.

I always thought the hardest part about doing something like W30 would be making other people uncomfortable. Asking friends to make tweaks to menus for me, saying no to dessert or snacks or a beer, and just being a general P.I.T.A. Guess what? No one cares! To think I've spent years eating and drinking things I haven't really felt like ingesting all because it made ME, not THEM, feel weird when I said no thanks. Wow.

4. I Have Way More Support than I Ever Knew.

I thought I'd get more eye rolls than I could count regarding this new eating plan. Instead, I have literally had dozens of people ask me about it and if I thought they could do it, too. Hmm... maybe I'm not the only one who feels like crap every time I eat ice cream.

5. Eff the Haters.

I'm sad to say this, but I've not been one bit surprised at who ISN'T supporting me through my W30. Are there negative Nancies in your life? I can 98 percent guarantee those will be the people challenging you and telling you that you're going to fail. You're probably already used to them infusing an unhealthy dose of negativity into your life. Screw 'em.

6. Not Drinking Isn't that Big a Deal.

Really, no one will probably notice. And you won't have a hangover the next day.

7. Dietary Restrictions Aren't As "Annoying" as I thought.

That looks like a damn fine meal, right?

My beyonce & I were recently discussing the fact that yes, the W30 is really restrictive. However, the food you can eat is so amazing and hearty and healthy and satisfying! When you think about it like that, it doesn't sound so bad.

8. Being a "Food Person" Doesn't Mean You Can't Love Healthy Food.

I don't know why people in the food biz (like myself) feel like you have to eat junk to be a true food freak. C'mon, how hard is it to make a burger or pizza (two of the most glorified foods on the planet) taste good? I'm never, ever going to completely stop eating burgers or pizza ('cause c'mon... they're burgers and pizza!), but I've decided I am more impressed with a chef who can make amazing healthy food. That's a skill.

9. Happiness is a Phone Call About Bacon.

Last week, my W30 compadre Liz called. She could barely contain herself, nearly screaming into the phone, "I FOUND BACON!!!!" A sugar-free, nitrate-free bacon... at Whole Foods! It was the highlight of both of our days. Like I said, it's the little things.

10. Seasonings.

There is almost no such thing as over-seasoning on W30. I've gone through so many spice containers (cumin and paprika mostly). Really, you almost can't over-do it.

11. Tupperware.

I never knew I could love a small plastic container so much.

Get rid of any containers you can't see into (like old yogurt or sour cream containers) or ones you can't find the lid too. Instead, buy nice tupperware, in all different sizes. Buy twice the amount of containers you think you need. No, really. Invest in ones that you trust will stay sealed when you throw them in your bag. And buy a handful of tiny containers for sauces/dressing. We got the ones pictured above from Crate & Barrel and they are rocking my world.

12. Raisins are candy.

So are apples, bananas, clementines, craisins, grapefruit and other naturally sweet things you never considered a treat before. I am beginning to wonder what actual candy will taste like post-W30. Like eating an actual spoonful of sugar?

13. Don't worry if your meals don't look like food porn.

Look, I like eating pretty food as much as anyone. Your dinner doesn't need to look like it was styled by Food & Wine. Just remember, most bloggers/cookbook writers/Instagram freaks spend a lot of time styling their images. This isn't my best example, but just for a frame of reference...

This chili (also from Well Fed):

Actually looked like this:

That's the beyonce in the background. I love him.

Feel free to share any of your thoughts/questions/W30 coping strategies in comments below. I am all about sharing helpful info! Oh, and one more thing... I am still pretty exhausted. Any tips on that (aside from getting more sleep... I am getting about 8 hrs a night)?

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158 - 160. Stand-up Classes 2, 3 & 4.

36 hours to memorize those two pages of notes..... coffee helps, right?

Can four 90-minutes classes really give you the tools to get in front of a 125-person audience and be funny on command.

I don't think so.

But then again, what could prepare you for such a thing? There are plenty of tips and tricks that would make your first (and probably last) foray into stand-up comedy more successful. Talk into the microphone, speak clearly and try to be concise are just three of the basics I'm trying to remember as I plan for my showcase on Tuesday (I prefer to think of it as "my recital"). I'm at the point where I just want to get it over with.

I've sorta-kinda got my material figured out. I'm in total awe of my classmates who've memorized their stuff. One guy clearly spent hours choreographing his routine... not in a Glee kind of way, but every little word is memorized, with a corresponding action. He said he's been practicing in the basement.

I, on the other hand, have not been practicing. Well, that's kind of a lie. I said my routine to my dog while I cooked dinner last night. She didn't laugh.

One thing I've realized through Hey Eleanor is that often, when faced with a scary thing that's scheduled ahead of time (ie skydiving, my improv show, the TEDx talk), I'll put it in my calendar and then not think about it until the day (or hour) of. No use in freaking out once I've already committed to being somewhere. Eighty-percent of success is just showing up, right?

So that's my plan. I am just going to show up tomorrow night at the Phipps. I don't know how it's going to go. My mind may go blank. I could make a total ass of myself. But I'll never know if I don't try.

If you want tickets to the show (March 25 @ 7:30 in Hudson, WI), go here.

Okay. Breathe.

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#158. Hang Wallpaper.

Hey, remember the 80s? I do, and I remember everything was wallpapered. I also remember the 90s, when all the wallpaper was painstakingly removed, then covered up with faux-finishing (salmon colored sponge paint anyone?).

But just like fanny packs, bodysuits and Members Only jackets, wallpaper is making a comeback. And it's way less terrible than you'd think. I learned this via my friend Erica. A classically trained violist (maybe you've seen her play with Dessa, Jeremy Messersmith, Heiruspecs... need I continue?) with fantastic hair and the coolest tattoos ever, she's a badass in her own right. And now she has a badass loft. And she asked if my friend Maggie and I wanted to help her hang some badass wallpaper.

If hanging wallpaper in someone else's brand new, beautiful loft doesn't sound a little scary to you, then you must be a professional wallpaper hanger. Thank the lord Erica's mom Jane had done this many times before and offered lots of great advice. Phew.

Erica had already picked out this gorgeous paper from Graham & Brown. A little metallic, a little blue, a little textured... and incredibly easy to work with. They use this "Superfresco Easy" technology, which basically means you paste the wall, not the paper. We measured the wall (twice), then measured the paper (twice), then cut the paper (once).

After smearing the wall with paste (available through Graham & Brown's website or Home Depot), we started putting the paper to the wall.

.....and stay there! — .....and *stay* there!

The first piece was pretty easy, save an outlet we had to cut around. Other than that, we just needed to brush a few bubbles out and trim excess paper in the corners and along the ceiling.

We learned right away that it's important to note which direction your print is going. Otherwise, I think this paper might've given the casual onlooker a seizure.

Watching the progress was so much fun & incredibly satisfying.

That's my butt. I had to ask Erica's mom to take a pic with me in it. Otherwise, you'd all think I just sat back and watched like the lazy SOB I am.

And only 2.5 hours after we arrived, it was like a whole new vibe going on. Really, it took less than 3 hours.

I think Erica likes it.

Erica showing off her purty new focal point.

If you want that same sense of accomplishment we felt, you might get it from watching this video. If that doesn't work, I suggest you put up some wallpaper in your own place. Or maybe in someone else's.

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I Tried the Whole30 & Here's What the First Week Was Like

It took me until Day 6 to make this pad Thai, but I wish I'd done it on Day 1.

I'm just going to tell you right off the bat that I'm writing this on Day Eight. This allows me the perspective and sense of humor I absolutely lacked during the first week of the Whole30.

In my last post, I explained how relationships & general social anxieties (going to parties, restaurants, being around other humans) plagued my brain. I never once thought the actual eating plan would have a profound effect on me. Over the past few years, I've slowly weened myself off many bad eating habits: I swapped out Diet Coke for sparkling water years ago, I generally dislike pasta and rice, and am not much of dessert person. I was convinced I'd take to this "new" eating plan like a raindrop into the river.

This was going to be easy.

DAY ONE

I woke up on day one expecting excitement. Instead, I felt panic. I also felt like hell from eating like a pig the entire pre-Whole30 weekend (you gotta binge before you get healthy, right? That's normal, right?). For the past year, I've been eating a paleo-esque breakfast five days a week (cauliflower egg bake) but all of the sudden it occurred to me that my next 90+ meals would be strict Paleo. Uh-oh.

This cauliflower egg bake would've been much better with cheese... not making it again until after the Whole30 (if I ever make it again).

Luckily, I'd planned thoroughly for my day. I packed a good lunch (some salmon with dill, lemon and homemade mayo; a hard boiled egg and a salad) and my coworkers weren't eating anything particularly yummy seeming, which helped.

At 1:30pm, when I'd normally have just a "small" bite of something sweet (what I'd previously believed was an inconsequential amount), my brain basically exploded. Total chaos. But I'd planned ahead! Instead of feeding myself sugar, I opted for snap peas, carrots and guac. About 20 minutes later, my bowels turned on me. Too much of a good thing? I felt awful, physically and mentally. C'mon, Whole30! Throw me a bone!

Immediately following work, I headed 40 minutes east for my stand-up class. Dinner that night was a chicken breast and salad, eaten in my car with my bare hands because I forgot utensils.

It was sad. I was sad. I went home and immediately went to bed.

DAY TWO

I woke up at 6:30am and snoozed until I could snooze no more. Chalk it up to a combo of W30 & stupid, no-good daylight savings (can't we just spring forward and leave it that way permanently?). At least I enjoyed my breakfast more this morning:

Marilyn Monroe with egg on her face... Some call it art, others call it breakfast.

I felt much less anxiety than the previous day and even treated myself to a good coffee at my favorite coffee shop. Great coffee = no cream needed, and even if I got one every single day, that would still probably be less than what I'd normally spend on beer. Eek!

I was on top of the world... until I got to work. For those of you who don't know, I work for this guy and spend all my days eating food, talking about food and writing about food. You know how you're supposed to "plan ahead for potentially difficult situations"-- like birthday parties or holidays? I realized every GD day at my office is such an event.

Girl Scout cookies, homemade granola and freshly baked chocolate chip/dulce de leche cookies from the Betty Crocker test kitchen (literally cookies that are scientifically engineered to be perfect. PERFECT, I TELL YOU!) littered our office. And it's not like this is a big office where food magically disappears. There are only five of us. Food lingers here and it's only ten steps away. Crap. At least I'd made some amazing grilled chicken with roasted sweet potato and onion mixes and asparagus:

Better than Girl Scout cookies. Really. Kinda.

I'd love to tell you what I had for dinner, but I honestly can't remember. I also think I went to the gym. Who knows. This day was a blur.

DAY THREE

Woke up with a headache. Arrived 20 minutes early for my 8:30am doctor's appointment. Doctor arrived at appointment 20 minutes late. I wanted to kick her in the shins, even though I really do like her.

My boss saw my sad face when I arrived at the office and made me this, which actually helped:

Made a great dinner: butter lettuce tacos stuffed with Mexican-stlye ground beef, sauteed peppers and onions topped with chipotle mayo. Lime juice. Soda streamed water with cucumber (aka Paleo beer). Happiness.

This tasted much better than it looks. Promise.

DAY FOUR (aka Kill All The Things)

I woke up feeling like this, exhausted with a headache. I decided to treat myself to Grace Hightower's Coffees of Rwand a, made in my lovely Chemex. That's gotta help my bad attitude, right? Next thing you know, this happened:

Ugh.

I arrived at work at 8:30am. I went to set my lunch in the fridge only to discover a homemade Key lime pie (my coworker was testing the recipe for Food & Wine magazine). Key lime pie is my favorite dessert. In fact, it's one of the only desserts I like (or more accurately, love).

Then, six pints of ice cream from Salt & Straw arrived courtesy of FedEx & our chef friend Jenn Lewis. I don't normally go for ice cream, but I've been DYING to try S&S's honey balsamic strawberry with cracked pepper. And here it is, in my office, four days into my Whole30. Eff. Adding insult to injury, Asher Miller (the chef behind Andrew's Food truck, AZ Canteen), came in to test a recipe, which involved frying up big, fat slices of bacon in our non-ventilated office (hello, sugar).

However, the biggest challenge of the day reared its ugly head that evening. About a month ago, I'd told my coworkers I'd join them at Share Our Strength's annual Cakewalk. Picture this: 20 of the Twin Cities' best pastry chefs churning out perfect sample-sized confections, plus craft cocktails/wine/beer.

I thought I could skip it. Turns out the tickets were like $100. I had to go.

Carrot cake. Lemon curd. Chocolate cupcakes. Cake donuts. Cheese. You need to see the photos (courtesy of my coworker, Madeleine) to truly appreciate what I was dealing with:

Chicken liver pate with granola and cherry... sounds gross, but I knew it was good.

Too many desserts! jfkdlsa;dfjklsa;fjdkls;a

I don't even normally like these things (except the cheese. I love cheese). In fact, I wasn't really even that tempted to eat them. But somehow, I wandered around the party just feelin' blue.

When I got home, I cried myself to sleep.

I'm not being dramatic. That actually happened.

DAY FIVE

Since Day Four was such a buzzkill so let's focus on the positive: I invited all my Whole30 compadres over for a potluck dinner... and it was amazing.

Paleo Creole chicken is almost the same as regular Creole chicken!

I made a paleo version of this (recipe hack coming soon!). We had a Brussels sprout salad, regular green salad, sweet potatoes, and these killer deviled eggs my pal Hilary made:

Avocado deviled eggs with jalapeños... yes!

We were all psyched about the grub... including the three party guests who aren't Whole30-ing it with us.

Sign of a good dinner party: everyone is too busy eating to talk.

After dinner, we went to Wrestlepalooza, which is my favorite event of the entire year. I love wrestling & think it's the pinnacle of entertainment. Even though it was sponsored by PBR (a beer I despise anyhow), skipping the beer was no big thang.

Arik Cannon... the man, the myth, the legend.

DAY SIX & SEVEN

No hangover (literally, three beers = hangover for me at age 31)! But wow, was I ever exhausted. Turns out, the W30 timeline is crazy accurate. It was a Saturday, so my beyonce, Josh, made me breakfast. Food tastes better when someone else cooks it.

I did a little cleaning, a little work and a lot of TV-ing, something I hardly ever do these days. It was a low-key day. I needed it.

The next day was equally chill. Dog park, coffee, grocery shopping, dinner with non-W30 friends (they knew about our eating plan and tweaked their menu to accommodate... so great!). By the time Sunday night rolled around, I was feeling psyched that we'd completed the first week (and with only a few tears to report!)

SPOILER ALERT: It's only gotten easier & better in the days since this first week. My anxiety about this Whole30 biz has mostly evaporated and I feel fab.