#216. An 80s Throwback Worth Revisiting: Press-on Nails!

All I'm missing is a long stemmed rose!

I love a good shellac manicure... until I need to remove it. For those of you not familiar, shellac manicures are amazing because they dry almost instantly, last two weeks or longer without chipping (regular manicures usually last about two minutes without chipping). The  problem is that you need to use acetone to remove the polish, and even then, it's best to go to a salon and do it. I've tried to remove my own and my dry, brittle, scuffed up nails were not happy about it. 

I recently saw something on the internet about imPress Manicures. My initial thought: No way, Jose. Remember Lee Press-on nails? So cheap and cheesy! 

From what I could tell in the photos, imPress looked really nice, lasted at least a week, were easy to remove and required zero dry time. Plus, they were available at my neighborhood Walgreens for less than eight bucks. The worst that could happen? I might have one fly off while I was having lunch with someone. Gross, for sure. Funny, probably. Ah, what the hell!

I selected a slutty red option.

Applying them was a cinch. They give you 20-ish nails in various sizes. Just figure out which size press-on nail corresponds best size-wise with your actual nails, remove the press-on's backing to reveal it's adhesive, apply a little pressure for 10-15 seconds and boom! I actually applied them while laying in bed after drinking three glasses of wine. Try doing that with regular polish, my friend.

Me, holding a mason jar with butter lettuce I'm regrowing. How hipster is that?!

I woke up the next morning and they'd all weathered the night (and then my shower) just fine. I wasn't in the office ten minutes before I received my first compliment. And then got literally five more, "Wow, your nails look amazing!" by noon. They did feel a little weird on my hands at first, but I got used to them. If you were to look at my finger tips dead-on, you'd notice a slight gap between my actual nail and the press-on, but that doesn't happen regularly. 

Downside: when I ran my fingers through my hair, a few strands would end up getting flossed between the bottom of the press-on and my actual fingernail, which was annoying. On the bright side, I realized how often I was doing that and tried to curb the habit (makes your hair oilier, and I don't need any help in that department). 

I kept the imPress nails on for about a week. They looked amazing the entire time. The nails came off as easily as they went on. Just dab regular nail polish remover along the sides, let sit for a minute or two, then peel off, revealing a nice lookin' natural nail.

Verdict: Great in a pinch-- like when you run out of time to do your nails before a wedding. Or when you want a shellac break. Or when you want to relive the 80s.

What other throwback beauty tricks are you kind of into?

P.S. Remember No Makeup Monday?

Why Buying a Good Bra Matters.

That's a lotta over the shoulder boulder holders. 

Remember when Oprah revealed that we're all wearing the wrong bra size?
 

I do.

Like many of you, I filed that one under "good to know, will look into...eventually." Here I am, probably a decade later, still wearing the size I think I should wear.

I've had my rack measured a few times before, but it was at Victoria's Secret and I wasn't super confident that they'd done it right. The last time I went to VS, I decided to get a bra fitting. I'd always been a 34B, but Megan (a 22-year-old VS associate that smelled of vanilla), was certain I was a full 32C or more likely, a 32D. This sounded suspect to me. Those two sizes are reserved for the Jayne Mansfields of the world. That can't be me. Regardless, one of these larger cup-sized bras looked and felt nice, so I got one. 

I liked my new bra, but within a week, it gapped in the boob area.

I knew I should've listened to my inner voice! Instead of demanding my money back, I decided to visit a real bra store... you know, the ones you're afraid to go to because the bras will be amazing, but they're going to cost a fortune! 

I made an appointment at La Bratique in Edina (Minnesota), conveniently located a few miles from my office. Unlike VS, their ratio of employee to customer is basically 1::1.

When I arrived, my personal bra professional lead me to a changing room, where she measured the girls and informed me that I was a 32D. Guess Megan at VS knew what she was talking about after all!

However, as my bra professional pointed out, VS uses cheaper materials and often firmer cups, which allow their bras to "fit" more people. Really, you're just pouring your boob into a form that sorta-kinda holds you in. She then selected about a dozen bras in my "new" size in a variety of colors, materials and styles. 

Each option was significantly different. Some offered too much coverage and made me feel like an old lady. Others made my boobs look like torpedoes... in a bad way:

Oh my... way too pointy! | Why Buying a Good Bra Matters. 

Eventually, I found three bras (a black, beige and a fun hot pink number) that did all the right things for my chest. Lifted, separated, contained...without the weird gapping of my previous bras. I was also talked into a sports bra (apparently if you're over the C mark, you should wear sports bras with an underwire. Who knew?!). Very happy with that purchase, too.  

Just right. | Why Buying a Good Bra Matters. 

And here's the kicker: They weren't that expensive!

All of these bras fit 100 percent better than the ones from Victoria's Secret and cost less about $60 apiece, just slightly more than their mass produced, ill-fitting counterparts. If I care for the bras properly (wash them every three wears, not wear the same one a few days in a row, avoid smashing the cups when I put them in my drawer), they should easily last me a year or so. 

I'm quite pleased with my purchases. Any one else had an epiphany experience buying proper undergarments (or any other clothing product... I the first time I bought "nice" jeans and had to tailor them was a revelation for me, too.)? Please share!

Everyday Eleanor: I Chopped Off My Long Hair (& I Love It).

Jackie pre- and post-chop. I love the instant gratification of before & after shots! 

I think most women have very strong emotional attachment to their hair. Short, long, dyed blue or a big curly mess-- we believe our hair makes us beautiful. I'd even go as far as saying our hair often defines us. Changing hairstyles is often a terrifying, anxiety-filled experience. I even have one friend who admitted she cries every time she has her long, blonde hair trimmed. Yes, trimmed.

I have quite a few lady friends who have bid adieu to their long hair (sometimes not by choice). Jackie is one of the ladies who recently decided to go short. I originally met Jackie through work, but we've crossed paths many times in the years that have followed. Hey, we live in Minneapolis and that's just how things work here. Last year, she chopped over a foot (!) of hair right off her head. It looked fab! Then a few weeks ago, she took another hair leap of faith-- just look at the pics below and you'll be like, "Wowza!" That took balls, Jackie... and it totally paid off. Here's her Everyday Eleanor story.

* * * 

The first time I met you, you had enviable long brown locks. Way long. Last fall, you chopped it all off. Explain.

I wanted to go short. I have been short in the past, but it has been a long time. And I was feeling like I needed something new; needed to shed some old energy. I had recently gone through some changes in my life and felt like it was a transformative time.

I love your hair short. Did you like it immediately? How did you feel after? Any emotions that surprised you?

I actually shed about two tears when my stylist first cut off my long ponytail. Then felt immediate relief / excitement / anticipation. Afterward, I felt light and free. Definitely happy with the decision.

Jackie's stylist Laura holding the amputated pony tail.

What a babe.

I think a lot of women (myself included) have anxiety about chopping off their hair... Specifically when it comes to how their significant other (or potential partners) might feel about it. What did your husband have to say? Did you consult him prior?

My husband always encourages me to take (healthy) risks and be bold with my choices. I wanted to waffle and just cut some of my hair off, but he told me to go for it and commit to the decision. He is amazing (which is why I married him) and I also feel like no matter what I do, he loves me unconditionally. That helped to take the fear out of making changes.

Also – one thing that pushed me over the edge to go from long to very short was that my hair was long enough to donate. So really, why not? The salon sent my hair to Locks of Love.

Jackie and her [super-handy, furniture designer/builder] hubby, Christopher. 

As if you weren't Eleanor-y enough, you recently bleached your pixie cut. I friggin love it & it fits you perfectly! What prompted that decision?

I was sitting in a meeting and my colleague, Chad Gillard, pointed out that I had gray hair coming in behind my ear. Now on top of my head is one thing, but behind the ear gave me a little jump. I figured if I am going to go blonde (which I have never done) now is the time!

I was still scared going into this even though I had gone through the long-to-short transition and made it out on the other side. I think you can see the fear in my eyes in the before-after of this one. I was afraid it would look terrible and had advised my friends to “just ignore it” if that was the case.

The change in energy is notable... though it might have had something to do with the awesome lipstick, too. 

Has your dramatic hair makeover made you feel differently? 

Mostly it has just been fun. Change is energizing for me, and cutting and dyeing my hair has been a safe way to do that! Sometimes I feel like I am a spy or incognito, but most people recognize me, so I am not as spy-like as I think.

What has surprised you about dealing with your new 'do? Is it more work than you expected? Do you gravitate toward different makeup or accessories? 

One surprise is that with both changes multiple people have said to me, “I feel like you always had short / blonde hair.” I wonder if that would be the case if I went for pink hair?

I am a medium-maintenance lady and thankfully I have not incurred a ton more daily maintenance. The short hair is easy to manage on a daily basis and probably looks better than the pulled-up long hair I used to rock because I didn’t want to style it. Short hair does require more frequent salon visits, so I'm glad Laura Leverty (my good friend and stylist) is nearby at The Chair Salon. 

The blonde may be a bit more to handle because it will also require regular dyeing, so I am just thankful that roots are in right now because if they weren’t I might be in trouble.

Last comment – on makeup – yes. I used to wear yellow eye shadow with my brown hair. Not so good with the blonde hair.

Smokin'!

Think you'll keep it?

For now yes – but I never know what the future holds!

Advice for someone considering a major hair change?

I say go for it! Honestly. If you want to try something what’s the worst that could happen? You won’t like it and then you can change again! It is so easy NOT to change. And then what? You will never know.

I truly believe that every moment of every day is an opportunity for exploration and adventure (as long as it is not the reckless kind…and sometimes even then), and that is the best course of action for happiness and freedom!

Oh and blondes do have more fun…as long as they believe they have more fun.

* * * 

I want to hear your Everyday Eleanor story. Email me at heyeleanorproject@gmail.com.

#214. Can You Win at Yoga? I Say Yes!

This woman is definitely winning. Photo by Joel Nilsson.

I've been doing yoga for about eight years. I have stints where I go a few times a week, and then sometimes I'll just go once every other month. I enjoy it as quiet (but sweaty) exercise, but it's not my religion or anything. The main purpose of yoga for me is to get the blood pumping, work on flexibility and strength and have one full hour of quiet time. It's never about competition... except for when it is. 

I try to not pay too much attention to the folks around me, but sometimes I can't help it: there's the super bendy lady, or the giant man who stinks like chicken soup, or the tattooed waitress with awesome pipes. You know the people I am talking about; they are in every class. I do notice who's doing what around me... sue me! Sometimes it makes me feel good about my balance or strength; other times, it pushes me to try a little harder. A healthy competition is okay, just don't tell your yoga instructor, because she/he will tell you that's not what it's all about. 

Anyhow, I recently started a secret competition at hot yoga. Every single yoga class I've attended ends in the same way: shavasana. Basically, you lie on your back with your arms spread out at a 45 degree angle and your feet about a foot or so apart. This pose is all about breathing and "just being." It's basically tricking you into meditating. Anyhow, once everyone in the class is in the pose, the instructor will always say:

"Stay in this pose for as long as you like."

I find this to be funny, because I know another class is starting in thirty minutes. They need to clean this studio before that class starts, and people from that class want to set up their mats and water bottles and towels at least ten minutes prior. "Stay in this pose as long as you like" really means ten minutes, max.

This ten minutes is plenty of time. I usually will stick it out for about five minutes, then leave. I have a huge fear of falling asleep and being jolted awake by a naturally beautiful, spandex clad blonde with a topknot. In my most recent class, I decided to pull an Eleanor and committed to being the last person standing... or laying, as it were.

Class ends and everyone (about 60 of us) is in shavasana. "Stay here as long as you like," the instructor says lowly and slowly as she exits the room. The first wave of people starts leaving about a minute in... at first, it's just one or two, then five or six, then woosh! Three minutes into shavasana, 60 percent of the room is moving around. Meanwhile, I'm just laying (lying? never quite mastered the diff between those two) there, eyes closed but on the prize.

At the five minute mark, the exodus has slowed, but I can tell it's still happening. I open my eyes and peak around the dark room. There's only about eight of us left. I think, "I hope no one else is trying to be the last man standing... cause they're going to lose!"

Obviously, this is the exact thing the original yogis hoped one would be thinking during shavasana.

At the eight-ish minute mark, five of the eight of us have left. Now, it's just me and two blobs I can barely make out in the candlelit room. One looks like a woman. The other is an older gentleman. I could tell this guy was going to give me a run for my money. I'd noticed him earlier during class... it was hard not to because he was huff-breathing the loudest of anyone BY FAR. Has anyone else ever noticed that men seem to take yoga so seriously? I don't get it. Sorry to generalize.

Anyhow, the lady left and it was just me and the guy. By this time, we'd been laying there for about 10 minutes. The cleaners were in the room slowly and quietly cleaning while we stayed in shavasana "as long as we wanted." A smile crept across my face. I was so close! I did really want this to be over because I felt bad for the people trying to quietly clean. It was really awkward just laying there as others cleaned around me, trying not to disturb my spiritual journey. 

A minute later, I looked at the guy. He was gone! I hadn't even heard him get up.

I won! I won at yoga!

I sashayed by the four cleaners patiently trying to busy themselves until I got the flock out of there. No one complained. I didn't apologize, even though the urge to was very strong. I don't need to apologize! There are no apologies in yoga... except for if you walk into the locker room with your shoes on. Then you are in trouble. 

Have any fun yoga/gym nuggets to share with the crowd? Loves or peeves? You know that's what the comments are for. 

Also, remember that time I spent 90 minutes waiting to buy slightly discounted yoga clothes? Dumb!

How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

By the look on her face, Patsy was not impressed.  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

Last weekend, the beyonce hit up NOLA for his bachelor party. Three full days devoted to ugly-crying-missing-him. JK! Instead, I took the opportunity to cross on big to-do off my lift: Pimp out our porch. 

Prior to this makeover, we had a 12-year-old brown grody couch from Ikea that was literally covered in dust and pet hair. I was way too embarrassed to let anyone sit out there, even myself.

Change was necessary.

My first stop was Cost Plus World Market. I like to think of it as Anthropologie's cheaper cousin-- cute home furnishings, textiles and baskets... at a third of the price. I found this almost perfect option at CPWM: A deep bench with a sort of comfortable cushion (sold separately). I'd need to also buy a cover for the cushion (sold separately) and probably some pillows (sold separately). All in, I'd be looking at about $500.

Ouch.

I asked a sales associate about the bench and she said, "Lemme check to see if we even have that in stock." Five minutes later, she returned, stating that they "unfortunately were out of that bench, but could order one for me for an additional $90 (!) shipping fee." She said the bench could arrive in anywhere from three days to three weeks. 

 

Nope.

I reassessed my options. My friend Liz had shown me this bench she stumbled upon on Pinterest.

My inspiration.  Photo by Lena Sekine.  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

It was pretty cute! Of course, it required a little elbow grease from yours truly. I have a lot of anxiety about DIY projects-- that they'll look dumb or I will mess them up or burn down my house in the process. However, I had access to the beyonce's pickup truck, and this project required zero screws, nails or power tools (it's like the no-bake bars equivalent to carpentry!). I figured, what the hell. I'd give 'er a shot. 

Patsy (my doggie) and I measured out the space (the max width of the bench was 6' 10"), then we hit up the Home Depot together because they ALLOW DOGS!

MATERIALS:

12 cinder blocks (16 in. x 8 in. x 8 in.)
4 4x4, 8 ft. pressure-treated timber, cut to your specified length. 
2 cans of spray paint

Yep, THREE ingredients. So awesome.

We arrived at HD around 8:30am with this shopping list. The first sales guys I encountered lead me to these green-treated 4x4s, which I thought were super ugly. 

Quit showin' me that nasty wood. <<< probably sounds weird out of context. | How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

When I mentioned that I liked this much nicer looking cedar option, he said, "Well, that's gonna cost you extra." How much? "Fifty cents a board." Okay, well I am only buying four... so I think we're good. 

I picked four of these 4x4s, then had them cut down to 6'10". Way better!

Here's the cedar-treated wood. Now we're talking.  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

If you've ever gone to Home Depot as a solo female, you're often treated like a total princess. Agree or disagree? I've found that the [mostly] male sales team tends to put on their kid gloves whenever I'm there. They won't let me load anything into my cart, they ask me questions in a way that makes me feel like a dum-dum. While I'd like to say this really bothers me (it does!) and leave it at that, I must admit that I did really appreciate not having to load 500 pounds of cinder blocks and 4x4s onto my cart.  

In total, I spent about $80 on materials. 

Don't worry, girl. I saw this on Pinterest.  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

And here was the first hurdle with Project No-Bake Bench: cinder blocks weigh a ton. A guy at Home Depot helped me load them into my truck, but when I got home, it was all me, baby. I'd guess each of them weigh about 40 pounds a pop, and they are just awkward enough that I had to move them one at a time. Oh, and the closest parking spot to my house was across the street and about 100 feet down. Workout!

For spray painting purposes, I set up the cinder blocks on my lawn in the configuration I'd planned for the porch. Then, I sprayed the crap outta them.

When in doubt, buy an extra can of spray paint.... I only bought one, then had to run to Ace Hardware. D'oh!  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

Paleo waffles.  | How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

Next step: carry the blocks upstairs (uff-da), arrange them and thread the 4x4s through the top four squares.

The porch is only about six inches wider than the boards, so there was a little sketchiness in trying to get them in place... especially when you are working solo. I almost dropped a cinder block on my foot once, but didn't! This job would've been easier with two people, but doable with just one.

Starting to look like something!  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

Instead of forking over $200 for a cushion and cover from CPWM, I decided to wedge the cushions from my grody IKEA couch onto the bench. I ended up moving the cinder blocks further apart to accommodate the cushions & eventually, they fit! (and were FREE!). Maybe you could steal cushions from a couch tossed in a back alley. Just an idea.

Free cushions. Clearly.  | How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

Then, I tucked in a tapestry the beyonce and I bought while we were in Tanzania in 2012. We bought it, declaring, "We're going to make pillows out of these!" Still haven't... but now we have an awesome cover for our bench. You could use a cool flat sheet or find a cheapie piece of fabric... or you could go to Tanzania and pick one of these up for yourself. Up to you!

Been meaning to find a use for this gorgeous tapestry.  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

At this point, I headed back to CPWM and purchased an outdoor rug ($40) and five pillows ($120). The beyonce made the table a few years ago (well, he found the base in a dumpster and made a top for it... that's my bey!). I moved a pot of flowers, a succulent and some candles to jazz up the space. The multi-colored chair came from CB2 (a splurge at $199). So-what-who-cares-I-love-it!

OMG, it's like I live at a fancy hotel or something!  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

In total, I spent about four hours on this project. And while the accessories brought up the price quite a bit, I still spent less than I would've on ONE bench with a fancy cushion. 

And look how pretty it is:

The rug really ties the room together.  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

My own little peeping tom.  |  How to Make an Awesome Outdoor Space on a Budget

The beyonce was completely surprised (and hungover) when he returned from NOLA. We've sat out here every single day since... sometimes twice... or thrice. This is huge, especially considering we hardly ever sat on our porch when there was only a grody couch. It's like a whole new room. 

Have you guys ever brought a Pinterest pic to life? Did it work? PS here is another idiot-proof DIY project I did. Dining room chairs for next to nothin'!

How I built a budget-friendly outdoor space (complete with cinder block bench) without any tools.

#208. - 211. 3 Gross Detoxes (& Why You Might Still Want to Do Them.)

Ahhhhhh.... nature. 

Detoxes: they are everywhere. These days, we're drinking pressed kale, doin' yoga in a sauna and cutting out gluten, all in the name of detoxifying our bodies. And while sometimes I can't help but roll my eyes when someone tells me an ionic foot bath will extract the toxins from my body, I am totally sampling the Kool-Aid (not full-on drinking... do you know how many toxins are in Kool-Aid?!). Here are three kinda gross detoxes I recently tried, and maybe you should or shouldn't try them, too. 

Dry Brushing

Let's start with the least disgusting: dry brushing. I always used to think those big ol' bathroom brushes were for scrubbing your back while in the shower. I don't have difficulty reaching my back, but maybe my mobility is off the charts. Turns out, those brushes are intended for brushing your skin pre-shower or bath (thanks, Huffington Post!). From what I'd read, brushing your dry skin helps slough off dryness, improves the look of cellulite, boosts circulation and does some great things for your lymphatic system, too. 

How it works:

Starting at the feet, slowly brush your skin in a circular fashion, moving up toward your heart. Go feet, legs, arms, back, stomach and chest. You can brush more a little more firmly on your feet, legs, butt, arms and back, but take it easy on your belly and chest... yeow! The HuffPo article states you should go counter clockwise on your stomach. Not sure why, but since you only have two directional options, might as well do it counter-clockwise. 

Results:

I started dry brushing in about February in order to combat the effects of the polar vortex on my skin (ashy legs city!). I still needed lotion post-shower, but there was a notable difference. Jury's still out on the cellulite thing (I wasn't really paying attention), but my skin does look nicer in general. My brush only cost about $7 at Whole Foods (go with a natural bristle brush) and I just keep it on a hook outside of my shower.

Pros:
Little monetary investment, takes about a minute, noticeable results, feels kind of nice (in a scratchy kind of way)

Cons:
You can't help but feel like you're littering a dry skin confetti bomb all over your bathroom (even if you can't see it). 

Verdict: DO IT.

The solution to all that ails you... according to the internet. 

Oil Pulling

Unless you've been camping for months in the Kalahari Desert, you've probably noticed that coconut oil cures everything-- dry skin, frizzy hair, obesity, polio, water polio, athlete's foot... you get the picture. I mean, it's on Facebook, so it must be real! The most touted use for coconut oil these days is oil pulling, which is said to whiten teeth, cure bad breath, relieve headaches and jaw pain, shoo acne, ease sinus and congestion issues... the list goes on and on. Why would I not try this?!

How to do it:

Allegedly, you can use a variety of oils (sesame, sunflower, not motor), but coconut is probably the most on-trend. Take a tablespoon of the stuff, which will be solid, and let it melt in your mouth. This feels kind of weird and takes about 20-30 seconds. Did you make it? Great. Now gently swish the oil around your mouth for 20 minutes. Yes, I know it seems like a long time, but you can do it. I like to do my oil pulling in the shower. I'll basically be in there for at least 10 minutes, and if I'm dry brushing before and combing my hair afterward, I'm close to that 20 minute mark. Once you've completed your 20 minutes, spit the oil into your trash. The oil is full of bacteria (which it "pulls" out of your mouth) and you don't want that in your belly. Additionally, you don't want oil clogging your drains. 

Results:

After ten days of pulling, I noticed a few things. First, the 20 minutes was more doable than I'd thought. I normally brush my teeth immediately upon waking, then again after I eat breakfast. Instead of that first brushing, I did the oil thing and my mouth felt squeaky clean (not to be Captain Obvious, but this is not a sufficient replacement for all brushing). Oil pulling made my nose run (in a good way) and cleared any throat congestion. I also might have had whiter teeth, but it's hard to say. 

Some of my friends swear pulling has helped them deal with migraines, TMJ, acne and insomnia. I am still on the fence as to how well oil pulling works, but I can say that it's been proven to clean the mouth. As the great Sarah Silverman recently said in a Glamour article, "death creeps in through the gums." It's true. Keep your damn mouth clean!

Pros:
Inexpensive, easy, potentially can cure all that ails you (according to the Internet).

Cons:
Jury still out of how well it works, time consuming, some folks find the idea and act of swishing oil to be positively gross. 

Verdict: Try it for a week. My results weren't amazing, so I'd say my incentive to keep it up is low. However, I know people who swear by this technique. 

The view from the hydrotherapy clinic... I think I can see my house from here!

Colon Hydrotherapy

Warning: This story is a lot more gross than the first two.

I'd heard from a few friends about how amazing they felt after a colonic (one friend opted for a colon cleanse instead of a massage before her wedding. I know! ). I was definitely intrigued, but I had so many questions. Is it going to hurt? Will it be awkward? Will it be disgusting? I made an appointment, then started to sweat immediately. One week passed between making and going to the appointment, and I spent a lot of time freaking about the whole thing. Definitely in the top ten Hey Eleanor scariest challenges to date.

Anyhow, the idea behind colon hydrotherapy is that your overall health is greatly affected by the health of your gut. During the course of your life, stool allegedly becomes impacted on your colon wall, which leads to sluggishness and sickness. Once impacted material is released via flushing your colon with water, your body should return to more healthful patterns, and you'll be feeling as light and free as a doe frolicking in a meadow on a sunny spring day! 

How it works:

I arrived at the clinic-- a very clean space in a Minneapolis office building. It felt like a fancy dermatology-med-spa or something. I was asked to remove my shoes, fill out a release form and read over a Colon Hydrotherapy Information Sheet. It was then I noticed that a "minimum of ten colonics, close together, is recommended as starting point for optimal colon health." TEN! They suggested doing three in weeks one and two, then two in weeks three and four. Pardon the pun, but holy $#!& that is a lot of colonics... and at $80 a pop, well, this ain't no joke!

Lay, lady lay....

My hydrotherapist, a very soft-spoken woman in her 50s, lead me to my room (pictured above). She gave me a few minutes to undress from the waist down and lie facing up on the provided table. When she returned, she sat in the rolling chair next to me and explained how she was going to "insert a small tube into the rectum." My palms started perspiring. EEEEEK! My general uncomfortableness with retelling this story gets me an extra Hey Eleanor point (#211). 

This sterile, single use rubber tubing carries clean water in and waste out of through the system, which looked like this:

For Professional Use Only?! Darnnit, I wanted one in my house. #noididnt

Once the tube was s-l-o-w-l-y placed (full disclosure: it wasn't my favorite), she told me it would release a very fine trickle of water into my colon. I think the word she used was "angel hair pasta-sized," which made me happy that I haven't had pasta in, like, four months. I would feel some pressure as the water meandered through my colon. I was to "think of it like a hose. When the water comes to a kink, the pressure needs to build up a bit before finally pushing through." She asked if I felt comfortable. I said, "I think so?" Then, she turned on the water.

Initially, there was some cramping and pressure. But once the pressure started to cause panic, she reversed the water flow and poof! Out it went. Once all the water had been released, she flipped a switch and fresh, clean water started flowing you-know-where again. The first few passes were pretty unremarkable, but after about the third or forth time, I noticed (through the clear glass tube in the "waste control" section of the colonic system) that things were starting to exit my body. It wasn't really that gross, just kind of weird-- this is probably TMI (but you are reading a post about colonics... what did you expect?!), but particles of something began floating by. At one point, the water turned a pinkish color. My lady said, "I think the water has hit your liver and is flushing it out. The pinkish tone tells me your liver really needed this." I told her I'd eaten beets the day before. We agreed that could've been the culprit. 

My colon hyrdotherapist sat in that rolly office chair. 

Anyhow, so the actual colon flushing was a little uncomfortable, but not too painful or embarrassing. And of course, because I can't ever stop asking questions, I started asking my therapist all sorts of questions. First of all, I had to ask (in kinder words than this) why anyone would want to administer water into people's butts all day long. I have a hard enough time going to work every day and I love my job. She told me that almost a decade prior, she'd been extremely ill- lethargic, bloated, sickly looking, generally miserable. After trying everything, she stumbled upon colon hydrotherapy and after a few sessions, she felt so much better. So much so, that she devotes her days to helping other people. I can get behind that. 

But then things took a strange turn. She started telling me a pseudo history of colonics. Hydrotherapy had been used in the time of the Egyptians, and the Bible even talks about the importance of cleansing the colon, and then I think she said something about Jesus. Colonics were "hugely important until the 1940s, when Nazis came to America and started the pharmaceutical companies." Now, I understand that there is some truth to the Nazis-pharmaceutical company situation, but the way she brought this up made it sound like the Nazis were behind a massive colon hydrotherapy cover up.

My therapist said most people feel light and refreshed after a colonic. Like they "took a bath on the inside." Yuck? Before leaving the room, she pointed to a toilet (did I mention there was a toilet in the room?) and said I should take as long as I need. 

I "needed" 20 minutes. 

As I handed over my credit card, my therapist recommended that I not go crazytown on pizza and fried food. Instead, I ought to drink lots of water and maybe try a cold pressed juice to help replenish nutrients. Done. 

Results:

I really wanted to feel like I'd taken an interior shower or whatever. That isn't how I felt.

I kind of felt bloated and gross. They say your colon might be a little sluggish for a few days post-procedure. TMI again, but I did not poop for almost one week after! It was awful. 

Aside from the fact that it made me feel worse (which their website claims is probably because I really needed their assistance and should go back $800 worth of times), I just felt like my therapist was modern jackassing me or something. I am sure she knows a lot about the topic... but why did she have to bring Jesus and the Nazis into it? I was half-expecting her to tie in terrorists just to give the story some extra oomph. It felt like someone was reading me the colon hydrotherapy Wikipedia page. I wanted scientific facts! This sort of half-baked explanation for why I had a tube running water into my colon made the experience feel hokey. 

Pros:
Might help you clean your insides, Nazis didn't like it, Jesus did it....maybe.

Cons:
Very expensive, time consuming, makes you constipated, kind of uncomfortable.

Verdict: Some people swear by colon hydrotherapy. I don't. I'd personally try acupuncture (which does make me feel like a doe frolicking through a meadow) instead. 

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Have you experienced good/bad/ugly results with any of these techniques? What other detoxes have you tried? That's what the comments section is for, wink-wink, nudge-nudge.