Everyday Eleanor: How to Travel Internationally with Kids

Dream of traveling internationally with kids? It can be done!

A lot of parents like to talk about how lame their lives are post-kids. I get it. I won't have an actual kid for another three months, and yet I'm already significantly more lame the more pregnant I get. However, I am over adults using kids as their lameness scapegoat. If you want to go to a concert, you can (unless the sitter bails). If you want to join a kickball league, you can. And according to Shanna Singh Hughey, if you want to travel all over Europe and Asia with the little ones, well by-golly you can do that, too.

Last year, she and her husband packed up the kids and headed out on a three-month global adventure. They claim it was a success. Here's how they did it (plus, what they might do differently next time). 

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You and your husband are both travel geeks. Tell us about your honeymoon.

Three days after our 2007 wedding, my husband Derek and I left for a year-long trip around the world. Carrying only our backpacks, we visited forty countries on five continents. We trekked through jungles in Borneo, white-water rafted in Swaziland and ate our weight in steak and empanadas in Argentina. We also spent as much time as possible doing service work—from holding babies in a Chinese orphanage to helping negotiate the terms of a financial agreement for a micro-lender in India.

In all, we took 65 flights, 66 bus rides, 52 boat trips—and 12,912 photos. It was the trip of a lifetime, and it changed our lives in oh so many ways.
 

Since then, you’ve had two beautiful kids. Instead of retiring your passports for the next two decades, you decided to take them (ages four and two) on an epic three-month adventure. What inspired that? Why did you think now was the right time?

On our honeymoon, Derek and I met fellow travelers with children in tow, and we were always impressed by how confident and worldly their young folk seemed. Those families made traveling with children seem not only possible but beneficial, and we pledged to follow in their footsteps.

On a more selfish note, we knew we didn’t want to constrain our own travels until after our kids went to college, and leaving them home wasn’t really an option. We’d miss them too much! And also there are these pesky laws...

That's not Disney World. | How to Travel Internationally with Kids

We think every time is the right time to travel with children. Our children got their passports soon after they got their birth certificates, and we wasted no time in traveling internationally with them. Harper’s first trip abroad was to Portugal when she was eleven weeks old, and Walker went to Mexico at six months. (Before age two, children generally fly for free!) They were primed for our three-month adventure long before we left.

Derek sent me an Outlook invitation for that trip four years before we went. I’ve spent most of my career working in politics, and we knew the term-limited mayor for whom I worked would be leaving office in September 2015. So that became our departure date.

People like to say things like, travel as much as you can when you’re young. When you have kids, you’ll wish you had! Do you think teeny, tiny part of the reason you decided to embark on this journey was to prove it could be done?

Yes! Proving it could be done was absolutely part of the reason we took two children under five around the world. I think sometimes families get into a travel rut—you go back to the same location year after year because your lives are too busy to consider anything else. We wanted to show it was possible—and so, so worth it—to break free of that mold.

How many countries did you visit? How did you decide where to go?

We went to just five countries on this trip: Spain, France, Thailand, Japan and Bhutan. We moved around within those countries every few days, so we covered a lot of ground.

One of many reasons kids love France. | How to Travel Internationally with Kids

Deciding where to go was half the fun, and each new place came with its own reason for being there. Our everyday lives in Nashville leave us feeling landlocked, so we often use travel as a way to get to the sea. Our first destination was thus San Sebastian, Spain, where our apartment looked over the ocean. Thai beaches are our happy place, so we planned to spend a couple of weeks there at the end of our trip—ensuring we’d have something to look forward to when we got a little road weary. Bhutan had been on our bucket list for years, but its location deep in the Himalayas makes it relatively difficult to reach. Once we knew we’d already be in Asia, it became the centerpiece our itinerary.

I can see why you'd call this your happy place. | How to Travel Internationally with Kids

Any spots that were surprisingly easy to travel with kids? Anywhere you might suggest not taking the ankle biters?

We loved traveling with the kids in Spain. Everyone seemed to have a smile for our bespectacled little girl and her lunatic younger brother. And sidewalk cafes are plentiful there, which meant Derek and I could enjoy a meal while Walker chased pigeons.

Tokyo, too, was a wonderful place to be with children. We were able to walk everywhere, and we were overwhelmed by the willingness of the Japanese people to lend a hand. One tiny Japanese woman singlehandedly carried our double stroller down two flights of subway stairs, thus cementing forever my love of her country.

We learned that France’s wine-tasting regions aren’t the best for families with children. (Retrospectively, this seems like common sense, but I suppose we were starry-eyed optimists.) Our children tended to announce their arrival at a restaurant by immediately breaking a piece of fancy stemware—much to the chagrin of all of the kid-free couples trying to enjoy their duck confit in peace.

What about traveling internationally with kids has been easier than expected? Harder?

Mostly we’ve been surprised by the relative ease of traveling with kids. I used to dread long flights with the power of a thousand suns, but after surviving dozens of them, I’ve realized they’re almost never as bad as I expect them to be. Nobody has gotten food poisoning despite eating a lot of street food, and everyone has learned to adjust to time zone changes like a pro.

Move over, mac n cheese. | How to Travel Internationally with Kids

One of the harder things for me about life on the road is the lack of the kid-related conveniences to which I’ve become so accustomed. Amazon Prime is a near-daily part of our lives at home, and I missed the on-demand diapers while we were away. On the flip side, though, finding diapers in Japan is a cultural experience I would have missed given the opportunity to buy them online. I’ll sum it up this way: Finding the right ones often felt like more of a scavenger hunt than a shopping trip.

Traveling internationally with kids is possible! Here's how one family traveled abroad for three months.

Traveling with kids is notoriously difficult, and often requires packing so much extra crap. However, with as much moving around as you did, streamlining your packing is key. What did you bring? What was a lifesaver and what ended up being less important than you thought? Anything that you wish you would’ve packed?

We brought along two large suitcases, one for the adults and one for the children. If something didn’t fit in them, it couldn’t come. We packed clothing for the kids that gave them room to grow, and we made sure to bring lots of layering-friendly items that would take us from the mountains to the beach.

Eagle Creek’s clean-dirty packing cubes were our key to success for packing the kids’ clothing. It’s hard to keep their little things neatly folded, and Harper chooses her own clothes, which but for the cubes would be an organizational disaster. This way, she has one side of a cube for PJs and the other for t-shirts, one side for leggings and the other for dresses.

Fact: Shoulders are more fun that strollers. | How to Travel Internationally with Kids

Our car seat bags were another huge lifesaver. Airlines don’t charge you baggage fees to transport them, and even with a car seat inside you can still stuff those suckers with everything your suitcase won’t hold. They were our go-to keepers of extra diapers and dirty laundry.

We also brought a small retractable cable lock for our double stroller, which gave me peace of mind when we had to leave it outside a restaurant or a temple. We didn’t think our stroller was more likely to get stolen abroad; rather, we knew our quality of life would decline much more precipitously than at home if it did.

Harper’s rain boots were our biggest waste of space. She wore sparkly pink cowgirl boots the entire trip, which didn’t leave time for any other footwear.

Greatest travel moment with your little ones?

We were in western Bhutan at a Buddhist temple—a venue our children ordinarily wouldn’t quite get. They noticed a young monk crafting religious offerings from dough made of multi-colored sugar. (Sugar! A common bond!) He invited them to watch, and they sat, transfixed, for as long as I would let them. Seeing my two sandy-haired kids bonding with a saffron-robed monk was an experience I won’t soon forget.

Sugar: the international and inter-generational language. | How to Travel Internationally with Kids

Are you already planning your next adventure? Where would you like to go?

We’ve already had our next adventure! We spent a delightful twelve days in Mexico City and Puerto Escondido in February, and we can’t wait to get back to Latin America. It’s just a quick flight away, and it’s mostly on Nashville’s Central time zone, which keeps naps on track.

Lots of smiles, no tears (at least not in this picture). | How to Travel Internationally with Kids

As for future travels: Derek’s parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary is this year, and they want to celebrate onboard a Northern European cruise. So we’ll be in Denmark, Estonia, Latvia, Germany, Finland, Russia and Sweden in June. 

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Learn more about Shanna and her traveling family at One Family on Earth. Follow their global adventures on Instagram while you're at it. 

Do you like travel blog posts? Neat, I have a bunch. Here's what it's like to honeymoon in New Zealand (bring lots of bug spray!), babymoon in the Florida Keys, and celebrate like Dolly Parton in Nashville. 
 

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Everyday Eleanor: I'm a Post-Abortion Wellness Coach

As a nutritionist and health coach, Jessica von Bergen loved helping women tackle their wellness goals. However, after having an abortion herself and speaking with other women who've terminated pregnancies, she identified a gap in care. Von Bergen opted to meld her health coaching business with post-abortion wellness-- something very few women have access to or even know about.

So, what exactly is post-abortion care and why is it important? I'll let her explain. 

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You’re a nutritionist and health coach. What exactly does that mean? What inspired you to pursue wellness professionally?

My nutrition education was heavily focused on the science of food and eating - things like calories, macros, and nutrient breakdown. But as soon as I started working with clients, I realised many of them had already tried following the science and still weren't able to create long-term changes within their bodies.

Health coaches provide individualized support, motivation, and look at lifestyle and behaviour adjustments as a way to help clients achieve and maintain their wellness goals. The whole-person view of health coaching really appealed to me, and seemed like a natural addition to my existing nutrition practice.

I added health coaching to my tool kit last year, and that's when I really started seeing some remarkable things happen. Health coaching has shifted my business from the old model of giving someone a prescribed protocol to the new model of helping guide people to make choices that work for them, with my nutrition expertise as support.

I'd say Jessica has excellent hair and skin. I'll eat whatever she's eating!

Your business relies largely on helping women identify the best way to fuel their body with great nutrition. However, you recently started offering a post-abortion wellness program. Why?

Women who have had abortions have almost no resources available to them. Every time I say that, it makes me angry and sad. Women are up at night relying on Google to give them answers, and the little that is available is either soft-focus angles or harsh and pseudo-scientific. There is information and access for those wanting therapy or counseling, thankfully, but nothing that provides these women with the help they need to feel like a powerful human again and get their bodies back on track.

After my own abortion, I remember feeling like I had wrecked my body and had no idea how to put it back together. I was extremely fortunate to have had access to unbiased medical care, but everyone I spoke with was trained to help with the smaller picture of the procedure and short-term recovery. No one looked at the bigger picture of my life, body and hormones. I don't fault anyone for this, but it really illustrates a gap in women's health care.

There's an important issue that nobody is talking about: what do you do to get your body back to normal after an abortion? What can we all do as health professionals that might contribute to well-rounded aftercare?

You’ve said this program was inspired by your own abortion experience, where you felt you couldn’t even broach the subject with your family. Does your family know what you do? How did you get to the point where you felt confident enough to openly provide a service like this?

My family are wonderful, open-minded, and tolerant people, and most of them would have been supportive. But at the time of my own abortion, there were so many emotions and everything in my life seemed so highly charged that I wanted as few people involved as possible.

I've been working with nutrition and wellness clients for about five years, and for most of this time I've focused on women's health issues. I've never really talked about the specifics of my business with my family, and this is no different. My mum knows that I work with women who have had abortions. I have no problem talking with anyone about what it is that I do, but I'm aware that it's a bit of a delicate subject. At dinner parties, I tell people the same thing that I tell most of my family: that I'm a nutritionist and I work with women, and I focus on hormones and reproductive health.

As far as confidence - I don't even feel like that comes into play here. When I realised that we're here in 2016 and there are barely more resources available to women than there were in 1996? That was my moment. That was my confidence. A friend referred to this kind of work as a calling, not a job, and that's exactly right. There's no way I can't do this.

I’m sure your business has received lots of positive and negative feedback. Is working in a controversial field stressful to you? How do you handle it?

When I started talking openly about helping women recover after abortions, I don't think I was quite prepared for the kinds of comments I would receive. I've heard so many stories about people's own experiences, and how they are grateful for the kind of work that I'm doing. I've also had some threats, which are obviously not pleasant, but seem to come with the territory. The trick is not to let either go to my head.

The kind of work that I do can easily get heavy, but I wouldn't call it stressful. Doing insignificant work is far more stressful to me! To stay balanced I keep regular appointments with my own wellness team. I take care of my body by eating well and getting a decent amount of sleep and doing yoga, and I take care of my mind and spirit by reading and discovering new music and having fun with friends.

How does abortion affect the body and mind short-term? Long-term?

The short-term physical effects of an abortion are typically well explained by the medical professionals that work with a woman before, during, and immediately after the procedure. Soreness, tenderness, cramping, and bleeding are all normal to a certain degree and for a short time.

Emotionally, the time leading up to the abortion is the most stressful time for a woman. Most states do have a requirement that women seeking abortion must receive counseling. Whether or not this was a requirement, I think it's beneficial for women to have the opportunity to articulate their feelings in a safe, unbiased space.

Studies on the long-term physical effects of abortion show that there are no demonstrable links between abortion and any other health issues - no types of cancers, no fertility problems, nothing. If you look online, you'll see studies that claim that abortion is the cause of a multitude of health problems later in life, but official statements from the American Cancer Society and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists prove this information to be false.

There's no evidence of abortion having any negative long-term emotional impact. Again, this is based on numerous scientific studies. What these studies do provide is evidence that feelings of stigma and lack of social support create additional stress and negative psychological experiences for women, but not the abortion itself.

From a physical standpoint, is there really any difference between having an abortion and a miscarriage?

Miscarriage can be caused by a wide variety of factors, ranging from hormonal imbalance to structural abnormality to autoimmune conditions to chromosomal irregularities. There are internal physical factors as well as lifestyle factors that come into play. Regardless of the specific reason for miscarriage, there is something within the pregnancy that was a mismatch with the woman's body at that time (or vice versa), and did not allow for it to continue.

Because abortion is entirely externally initiated (there needs to be outside intervention, whether by a pill or by a procedure), there are no chemical signals within the woman's body triggering an end to the pregnancy. 

After both miscarriage and abortion, women experience hormonal shifts beyond what they normally would as part of their regular cycles. Women who have had an abortion can be experiencing the same physical and emotional symptoms as women who have had a miscarriage, because these women are in the fundamentally similar situation of having their bodies pregnant and then suddenly not. 

So from a physical standpoint, the similarity is about equal to two women who are having their period: although mechanically what's happened is the same (the body is no longer pregnant), the hormonal nuances and the context of the situation and the emotion surrounding it can put them in a different place and lead them to both have radically different experiences.

What’s your program like? How long does it take? What things do you tackle with clients?

I put together the kind of program that I wished I had when I was trying to get my body back on track. It looks at the woman as an entire person, and how all the parts of her body are interconnected, and then works to address the root of any imbalances.

I've always believed that food holds the solution to so many problems, so that's where my program starts.  From there, we're able to explore some of the different ways that imbalances can show up in the body: unpredictable emotions, disrupted sleep patterns, changes to weight, skin breakouts, strange cravings, fluctuations in appetite, or irregular menstrual cycles.

It's really important to me that as many women as possible are able to get their body, mind, and spirit back to normal after an abortion, and this drove my decision to work remotely rather than locally. There's also an extra element of privacy for my clients by allowing them to meet via Skype rather than having to show up at a local office. I don't want fear or intimidation to prevent women from getting the care that they need!

My signature program is 12 weeks long, and it's important that we're covering three full menstrual cycles so we can see see changes happening and repeating through all the different phases. Private sessions happen every two weeks. Because this is a customized program I really let my clients guide what kind of support they need. Regardless of what we talk about, clients will leave each session with recommendations for how best to support their body until our next meeting. If there are any questions that come up, I'm accessible for support in between sessions via email.

I'm also exploring the possibility of offering a less intensive version of the program, for women who aren't able to fully commit to 12 weeks or who find that the schedule doesn't work for them.

I would assume a lot of women don’t seek help—medically or from friends and family—after an abortion because it’s still a taboo subject. In fact, I suspect many women think they don’t “deserve” help. What would you like to tell a woman who’s struggling with her post-abortion mind and body?

It's going to be okay, and you're not alone.

The World Health Organization tracks abortions and miscarriages together, and the annual number of these worldwide is more than 40 million - that's more than 125,000 women every single day who find themselves in a similar situation. You're not the only one in this place right now. I can assure you that many of these women feel shame, isolation, and confusion, and that many struggle through this without any support. It doesn't have to be that way.

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Abortion is an extremely controversial subject. I encourage polite, articulate conversation, but inflammatory comments will be deleted.

Other posts about women's health? I've got 'em! How about what it's like to quit hormonal birth control? Plus, what I wish I'd known about miscarriage.

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What It's Like to Be a Foster Parent

Baby Y, looking for his car keys..

A year and a half ago, my cousin Josh and I were in the midst of an epic phone call. In some ways, Josh is more of a big brother than a cousin. We can pretty much tell each other anything, and I adore him for it. So, he nonchalantly mentions that he and his awesome wife, Carly, were considering becoming foster parents (and hoped to eventually adopt a child).

WHAT?!

This, coming from a guy who had told me numerous times that kids were a no-go. I was shocked, then ecstatic. I couldn't imagine two people who's be better parents. Josh is a big kid himself, and Carly is one of those people who's relaxed, realistic and funny as hell-- the makings of a great mom. 

In July of 2014, a six-month-old bundle of joy arrived at their home. He was adorable, but I wondered how this fostering thing worked. How do you get certified? Do you get to decide what age kid lives with you? What happens if you fall in love... then have to watch them go back to a situation that breaks your heart? And.... would Carly & Josh end up adopting their baby? 

I sat down with them in May of this year to discuss the nitty-gritty details. In the time that's passed, a lot happened, including a big, fat, happy announcement. Read on to here all about it.

P.S. For legal reasons, Josh & Carly can't show identifying images of their foster child online. But you can tell how cute he is just by looking at his baby butt.
 

* * * 

When and how did you two meet? When did you get married?

Carly: We met through friends. We're both in college, maybe. But not the same college. My friend was friends with his friend and so we met that way. The end, beautiful love story.

Josh: We got married a few years later, in January of 2006. She tried to get rid of me and was very unsuccessful.     

Carly: It didn’t take…

Josh: Since then she's been the boss of me.   

Well obviously I've known you, Josh, for my entire life. We've had lots of conversations...long story short, I didn't think you were ever going to be a dad. What made you guys decide that you are ready to have kids?

Josh: I kind of made my decision not to be a dad just through circumstances. I was okay with it. It’s fine. Then we got married and as our relationship grew, things changed. Our friends were having kids and when your friends have kids... You get sucked into the peer pressure. 

Carly: Peer pressure used to be like alcohol and cigarettes. Now, it's children. 

You guys are currently fostering to adopt, and you've had a baby living with you for 8 months. What made you decide to do that instead of surrogacy or adoption?

Carly: We investigated it long before we decide to do anything about it. We were curious. So, we met with a bunch of people-- some who adopted internationally and some adopted domestically. Neither of us walked away being like, Oh, we are for sure not doing that, but we also weren't like, Cool, let's sign up tomorrow! 

Josh: I think in my heart I've always wanted to adopt.

Honestly, I don't know anybody besides you two personally that have ever done this before. Whenever I think of kids and foster care, it always seems sad and scary.

Carly: All you hear are super scary, horror stories. I told a co-worker that we were going to do this she was like, But what if you get a problem child? Like that movie Problem Child. She proceeded to tell me the plot of the movie, which I already knew. So I think that's the perception of it out there. 

Josh: I think we ended up on it because we wanted to help a kid that was here already.
 

What did you guys have to do to become foster parents?

Carly: We had to go to a bunch of meetings run by the state and county. So it's organized really well. We sat in a room with a bunch of other people. We we're told about the program. Then, they gave us a stack of paperwork to fill out and then said, see you later. 

What do they want to know about you?

Josh: They want to know your family history. They want you to be as honest as possible with your relationship with your parents and your siblings. They want to know about health conditions. And they want to know a little bit of your financial situation.

Once they do that, then you continue to take classes, which scared the living shit out of me. Here are all of the things that could happen to your child.

Carly: You have to collect all these class hours. You have to do training. And even as just licensed foster parents, we will have to continue to do this to maintain our license. But there are three classes that you have to take in the beginning. One is a car seat class. One is intro to mental illness and one is about SIDS and shaken baby syndrome.

Josh: All frightening.

Carly:  Yep, so three full classes on how your child could just die. How you might kill your child in a fit of frustration and then how you can kill your child in the car. Then if you don't kill them, here are all the illnesses that they could possibly suffer from.

What happened after the classes?

Carly: You have to get your house inspected by the fire marshall, which I was very stressed about. They give you all these parameters. We have smoke detectors and the fire extinguisher. However, allegedly the windows in our two bedrooms are too small. So there was a moment where I was like, "Are we going to have to change our windows?" That might be a deal breaker for me. I don't know.             

Josh:  We'd literally just replaced the windows a few years ago.          

Carly: That's major construction. So I just had all this anxiety about somebody coming in and judging our house so harshly. Of course, everything was fine.
 

I want to know what was the process like when it came to getting a placement (aka kid).

Carly: After you get your home inspected, then you get assigned a social worker. That's the part where you’re confronted with this really terrible look into your heart and see how honest you can be with yourself. They basically ask you what kind of child you're willing to parent.

Josh: Not only that, but what kind of a foster parent are you going to be? Are you going to be a foster parent that strictly fosters? The whole definition of foster parenting, which I think is lost on people, is you foster with the intent of hopefully bringing that child back into the home that they were taken out of. And then there's concurrent fostering, which is fostering with the intention of adopting. 

And then the final type of fostering is sheltering, which is immediate. For example, an emergency where people are taken out of the home in the middle of the night.  We decided on [fostering to adopt].
 

Do they select the child for you based on which thing you're doing?

Carly: They try as much as possible. Obviously they can't guarantee that you're going to be able to adopt a child that they place with you.

At this point, you have to make all sorts of hard decisions. Okay, I'm willing to accept a child of this age, but also this mental well-being or physical well-being. It's really awful to write down something on a piece of paper stating you're not willing to take a child with significant disabilities or with a big medical condition. Confronting that is a little bit daunting.

Did they ask you about gender?

Josh: Yes. Gender, age, race, sexual orientation.

Carly: When you get pregnant, you don't have to make any other decisions. We had all of those questions in front of us. It's like, Oh my gosh! I don't know. I don't know. Is a girl better than a boy? We aren't parents. We don't know anything about anything. 

Josh: It's just a challenge. All these kids that are in these situations are wonderful kids. They just have had a rough run for whatever reason that's out of their control. You're trying to make a good decision for you so that you can be the best caretaker for them. 

So you ultimately decided that you wanted a younger child.   

Carly:  We ultimately put zero to five. And we’re licensed for two kids, which surprised me. I was like, No, we want one. Then we came back and our license said two and I was like, Oh. Okay fine.

How long did the licensing process take?

Carly: That first meeting and it was in October 2013. We got licensed in May of 2014 and then we got a placement in July 2014.

Was the time between getting your license and your placement stressful? At any point you could get a phone call saying, Hey, we have a kid for you!

Josh: Not just that, but we were told don't buy anything because you don't know what age.

Carly: And because we said zero to four, that could be a crib. It could be a bed. It could be an I don't know what.

And I had to go to work and just be like, So I'm doing this thing. I have no idea when or if or what, how much notice I’ll have. But I have to take some time off pretty soon.
 

When did you get the call about the kid?

Josh: I got a call and they called and said, We have a six-month old and we need you to let us know if you want him within the next 15 to 20 minutes. And I'm like Really? Can I call my wife? They said yes, but told me the clock was ticking. 

So I called my wife and I said Honey, I don't really know what to buy at the grocery store for dinner. Oh and by the way, they called and they have a kid. We have to decide in 10 minutes. So if you can let me know what you think?

Carly: This wasn't our first call for placement. We had passed on a couple, which felt terrible, but was right. In those circumstances, it was not an emergency. I called back the social worker because six months was younger than what we were anticipating. I don't even know why we said yes, but we did.

Josh: To my recollection of the conversation, I think we said yes because even though it would be hard, he'd passed the infant stage. If we are planning on adopting him, he was young enough to establish a connection and really get comfortable with us being his parents. We both decided to let 'er rip it and see what happens.

Carly: I called back and told the social worker we were in. And she said, Okay, I'll bring him tomorrow. I nearly crapped in my pants, but said okay. 

Did you even get to see a picture?

Josh: No.

Carly: We had a name. We had an age. We had a race. And we had that it was not likely that he was going to go back to his parents, but that was all.     
      

"I just learned how to walk and they're already puttin me to work!"

So the next day...

Carly: First, I had to go...

Oh, my God! Yes, what did you have to do?

Carly: My immediate co-workers knew I was doing all this, but I work in a small company and nobody else knew. The owner knew.

It was like you had a secret pregnancy.

Carly: Yes, so the owner wasn't there that day. I had to go to her husband who does our books and stuff. I was like, I'm having a baby tomorrow. He said, That's awesome. He was so supportive and gave me two weeks to maternity leave. We hadn't talked with any of this upfront and he was just so gracious. No questions asked. Just that's awesome. Go have the baby.

So I suppose that night there was a trip to Target?

Carly: We didn't know how big the baby was. I was feeling a little anxious about the whole situation. I felt like if I had diapers, that would be enough. We have a pack and play for temporary sleeping situations. We can figure out anything else, but we need diapers.

But then I was like I don't know how big this kid is. I've never bought diapers. If you walk in that aisle, it's awful. It's like a whole 20-foot section of just all million different kinds of diapers.

So what time of day did they show up? What was that like?

Carly: She came around noon. A child protection worker that brought the baby over. There was this little baby in our house. I was like oh shit!

Josh: He was a little butterball.

Carly: She had a diaper bag that had a couple of diapers in it. There was one bottle.

Josh:  A onesie that was stretchy not quite fitting. One little nook.

Carly: And a little blanket. The end.

Josh: She stayed for an hour and told us a little bit.

Carly: Then she left and we had a baby.

So what did you do, start Googling?

Josh: No! God! Never Google.

Carly: I think as scary as it was, looking back, I’m very glad that I didn’t have nine months of a pregnancy. I would've driven myself crazy. I'd read stuff and I would worry about things that don’t matter or that you can’t control. So it was in a lot of ways just nice to be like, okay here is the baby. Now deal with it.

Josh: That part was nice because we didn’t know about baby food. We didn’t know about anything. We got to learn by doing and it was what it was. I just grabbed the kid right away and played with him.

Carly: I went to Target and bought a car seat so we could leave the house if needed. In that first week, we already had a bunch of things scheduled. We were having this big bridal shower for another friend. We had five things on our calendar. So we just brought the baby to all those things. It was like I don’t know what I’m doing, but I guess you’re portable so you’ll come with us.
 

How cute is that hair, though?

I think a lot of people would be really worried about falling in love with this kid, then potentially having him taken away. When did you guys realize you’d be absolutely heartbroken if he went away?

Josh: Right away.

Carly: Yes, I think it’s not something you can prepare for, but I think it was good in the fact that we had our shields up a little bit, as much as you can.

What do you mean by that?

Carly: We didn’t know what was going to happen. There was a relative who kept saying that they wanted custody. In that case, they’d choose the relative over the foster parents.

Josh: The mom and dad still had some visitation rites and we’re very open to it. We’re happy that they still wanted to see their child. I think that when you go into this, you have to constantly remind yourself that however long you get to have this little person in your life, it's your job to love on him as much as you can. You need to try to give them some stability until it’s out of your control.

What advice would you give to someone who’s looking to foster? What would your sales pitch for being a foster parent be?

Josh: You have to know that just because you get a child, until the i’s are dotted and the t’s are crossed, there’s no guarantee that you’re going to have this child forever. 

Carly: You have to be open on the fact that this child could go to a home that you don’t think is best for them. Josh and I are lucky that our experience has been great. We got placed with a really great kid and with very little issue. We are now moving to adoption. There has been no real hiccups.

Josh: Which is not the norm, I don’t think.

Carly: Right, so don’t just assume that it’s there. But also know that it can be really great thing. You’re not picking up a damaged kid. You’re helping out, but they’re fulfilling your life just as much as you’re fulfilling theirs.

Josh:  One of the things that the county says is that we’re doing a "community service." While I would agree with that technically, I don’t like thinking of this little person as a community service. We love him and want to make his life as great as we possibly can. 
 

I really commend you guys for doing this. I think you’ve provided a really great home for him. He is the cutest damn kid I’ve ever seen.

Josh: He is pretty cute.

So when did you guys learn that it would be likely that you’d get to adopt him?

Carly: September of this year.

Josh: It was a really good thing, but it was also sad. There's been so many hard things for these two other people who created this child. They had such a bump in the road and had their own issues and just weren’t able to combat them. So the day we’ve found out was – it wasn’t super happy.

Carly: Yes, I felt a lot of sadness and I still feel a lot of sadness. Every time you get to another hurdle of the process, these people’s lives are so bad and you want to help them. You have this weird connection to people that you would never normally have a connection to.

Josh: They’re nice people. They have their issues. It doesn’t matter what culture you’re from, what race you are or whatever. This can happen to anybody. It’s an unfortunate thing for all parties. Like I said, it’s sad that for us to have this joyful little person, all these miseries had to happen. I think about having to explain that to him someday. 
 

On a lighter note, what has been your favorite part of being parents?

Carly: It’s really fun to just watch him learn. We got him when he was six months and he’s 15 months now. It’s like, he was barely sitting up when we got him and now he’s running and listening sometimes. I'm constantly like, oh wait you do this now. That’s cool. That’s new. You weren’t doing that yesterday. 

Josh: I think my favorite part is still coming. I think people see me differently a little bit now. I don’t know how to explain it. I am kind of a big kid. We go to the park twice a day and we play and he’s learning stuff and he’s silly. I like to be silly. Just watching him grow and knowing that we are helping him. That makes me feel like I have more purpose than I have in years.

I could go into more detail on that, but I won’t. All I will tell you is that I feel like a better man in the last year. Not discounting any of the other stuff I’ve done, because I feel like I’ve done good things. But then I get to help this little person. It gets to fill up something in me that’s really awesome.

So any advice for people looking to potentially consider fostering to adopt?

Carly: If you were interested. Do it. They need people, badly.

Josh: Not even fostering to adopt just to foster, to open your home to a child that needs it is so huge. I also did mentoring programs. I did Big Brothers Big Sisters, but there are all kinds of mentoring programs across the country.

Also, make sure you have a support system. Our family on both sides, and my mom in particular, have been great. But in general, everybody’s supportive. It makes us happy to know that if we need help, our family is onboard. That’s parenting 101.
 

Three's company. PS Where is John Ritter? PPS This is not a Problem Child reference!

 * * *

UPDATE: Two weeks ago, Josh & Carly officially adopted their baby! YAY!!!!

For more info on fostering, visit AdoptUSKids.org. You can hear more about Josh's adventures on his kick-ass podcast, Joshland Unfiltered, which covers topics related to Cystic Fibrosis. Even if you have no idea what CF is, it showcases amazing stories, inspiring people, and somehow manages to tackle hard topics in a way that's relatable. I love this show.

PS If fostering a baby sounds a little daunting, maybe you want to start by fostering a doggie! Here's what happened when I did.

 

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