How I Quit My Fear of Flying

Jasmin Charlotte is a blogger who focuses on technology, adventure and travel. That last part is rather notable, given that she has a serious flying phobia. However, she wasn't about to let a little hysterical crying, sweaty palms and pre-trip nausea keep her from seeing the world. She decided to actively work on overcoming her fear, and for the most part she's succeeded.

Here's how Jasmin quit her fear of flying.

* * *

Do you remember when your fear of flying began?

I definitely didn't have it when I was younger, I slept blissfully! I think it started when I was a teenager and I had quite a big gap in between when I had been on planes. This led to me building it up in my mind and eventually the fear starting. My mum has always had a really bad fear of flying which I think contributed to it as well!

What did the fear feel/look like in the days leading up to the flight? What about on the flight?

It would consume me for the days before hand and it was all I would think about, slowly getting worse and worse as I thought of more scenarios. It would wiggle its way into my dreams and it was guaranteed I wouldn't sleep the night before. I actually made myself sick from it once! On the flight, it was even worse, usually crying, lots of nervous jumping and grabbing onto seat arms at the slight move of turbulence. Not fun!

Despite the fact that flying terrifies you, what was it that made you decide the prospect of travel was worth all the scary stuff?

As I was living in New Zealand, I didn't have much choice - if I wanted to leave the country I had to fly!! My family moved away to Aus and the UK as well. I really love travel, it is something that means so much to me and I made a pact to myself very early on that despite how horrible the flying was, I would never let it stop me from exploring the world and doing the things I love.

What was the first step you took to conquering your fear?

I went on a mission to find more information and to get help for it. I visited the doctor, who really helped me in those early days to calm down. Then, I listened to podcasts and bought some free ebooks which ran through the fear itself and let me be able to rationalise it. It was a gradual process and I definitely do still get a bit of anxiety running up to the flight, but nowhere near as much as I did. I haven't shed a tear on a flight in years!

What do you do prior to the trip to deal with your anxiety?

It is all about not letting it snowball. If I sit and dwell on it, then I know I will continually worry. I try and keep busy all the way up until the trip and also try and book something nice the day before. I usually go for something like a massage as they are one of my favourite things. I know that if I have that booked, whenever I start thinking about flying I can distract myself with thoughts of my amazing massage. Doing a whole lot of holiday planning and researching is a great distraction too!

What do you do once you get to the airport?

It's key to make sure you don't get stressed here as then it puts you in the anxiety mindset. I always try and get to the airport early, leaving plenty of time for bags and security. There's nothing worse than getting stressed out and worked up right before the flight. This also leaves time for a bite to eat and to buy some bits and pieces to take on the plane. Again, keeping busy is key, need to keep the mind ticking over! Make sure you take an interesting book to bury your head in as well.

On the plane?

I have certain things on the plane which make me more anxious. I totally hate take off a lot more than the rest of flight. I always make sure that I either block my ears or have music on and am reading a book or magazine. I get more worked up when warm, so try and keep the fan on and where less clothing on this bit - I always get really sweaty palms!

I know that once the seatbelt signs are off and people are wandering about that I will start to feel a bit calmer. I also really recommend looking into some breathing techniques and yoga for the plane and that is essential at calming your bodies reaction.

When I was still very scared, I would also inform the flight attendant before the plane took off, this way they will usually come and check on you which always did a good job at calming me down! I still don't enjoy turbulence, mainly as it reminds me I'm in the air! But I have done more reading around it which has made me feel better, it's always described as a bumpy road, and we all know that the journey to the airport has a whole lot of bumpy roads, so it's bound to happen in the sky too!

Since you’ve deliberately decided to face your flying fears, have you noticed a big shift in your brain and body when it comes to flying? What do you think made the biggest difference?

Definitely! I'm no longer weeping from check in until my destination! I can fly and finally look like everyone else on the plane, calm and normal. I think it's really a combination of all of the tips above and really working on techniques to reduce anxiety. It's also been key to fly regularly and more often. My fear will build up if I leave it too long, so I always try and fly a couple times a year at least, which is a lot easier now with all the cheap flights in Europe!

Advice for someone who’s afraid to fly?

Do your research and find some good books on the topic, research anxiety and breathing techniques, pinpoint your key anxiety points and work on mitigating those, and always make sure you just get on that plane!!

* * *

Big thanks to Jasmin for sharing her story. Learn more about her & her adventures at JasminCharlotte.com. She's also on Instagram, Twitter & Pinterest.

Are you afraid of flying (or have some other crippling fear)? How have you been able to overcome it? Share your tips in the comments!

PS Here's a fantastic interview about how my friend Beth overcame her fear of rollercoasters.

A few practical tips for overcoming your fear of flying.

Info

1 Comment

Why I Quit My Job to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom in Italy

Staying at home with the kids seems especially great when your home is in Rome.

Melissa used to spend her days practicing law in between wrangling her kids, working out and hanging with her husband. She wanted to juggle it all, not be just another burned out career mom. But alas, constantly hustling her buns off started taking its toll. Then her husband got a job offer that would take their family to Italy. They leapt at the opportunity. Melissa couldn't exactly do her job from the land of wine and pasta, so she quit and decided to watch the kids full-time. Here's her Quitters story.

* * *

You spent five years working in a big DC law firm. What kind of law were you practicing? What did a normal day look and feel like?

When people ask a legal question, I always say I’m the most unhelpful lawyer ever! I practiced food and drug law. If you want to get your drug approved by FDA or have someone review your juice label, I’m your gal. If you are looking to incorporate your business or break your lease, I’m pretty worthless.

My typical days looked very different before and after kids. Pre-kids, I would get up, work out, hit the office between 8 and 9, and then get frustrated when my day got off track and I stayed longer than I wanted to. Repeat.

After kids, I finally got around to using some of the flexibility the job offered. I got up around 4:30 or 5:00 am to work for two hours before my son got up. Then we would do breakfast together, play for a little bit, and pack him out the door with my husband for daycare. I’d get to the office, work like a crazy person, and hustle to leave by 5 to do the daycare pickup. Evenings would be family time, and I would log back on only if I needed to. I didn’t like that I had fairly little “me time,” but in a weird way, I felt like I had more control over my life. I liked that.

In both scenarios, I always felt that I was rushing to be somewhere. Rushing to get to work. Rushing to finish up an emergency client request. Rushing to get my kid. I did not like this.

In 2014, your husband was offered a job opportunity which would require your family to spend three years living in Rome. Ultimately, he took it. Was making that decision difficult? Why or why not?

It was difficult, and it wasn’t. I knew about the difficulties of working in Big Law, but I convinced myself I would be different. Instead, I feel like I lived the cliche. Trying hard for a few years, having kids, burning out, and wanting something else. I was not special or different.

Even before we found out about Italy, I was looking into making a job change, such as working for the government. We had known living abroad might be a possibility for my husband’s job, and it was something we were both excited about. Italy came through faster than any other opportunities, and I jumped at it.

Looking back, I can see that it was hard to make a rational decision when I felt sort of underwater. Not all of my job was bad, but my happiness was low. Italy felt like a life raft.

Ultimately, you decided to quit your fancy job and spend your years in Italy as a stay-at-home mom. Was that prospect exciting? Did any part of you feel like you were “giving up” or making a huge sacrifice, career-wise?

Very exciting! In college, I did a year study abroad in Germany. I love traveling. I was pumped to go back.

I was even more excited about spending more time with the kids. If it hadn’t been for something like this opportunity, I don’t think I ever would have “had the guts” to try the stay at home route. I think I always would have been curious, but never pulled the trigger.

I worried about my future career, but this worry-- particularly at the time we decided-- was overshadowed by excitement about a lifestyle change. I decided to go for it and hope that, “oh, we had this amazing opportunity to live abroad . . . spend time with the kids when they were young, etc.” narrative would help smooth the resume gap.

Most of us are familiar with Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In concept—which boils down to this: women often make less money and stall out in their career is because they take a sabbatical while starting a family. Have you worried about this?

Absolutely. If people ask me about how things are going, I say that I’m loving my day to day life, but I worry about the future. Constantly. (I actually talked about this conflict recently.)

I don’t know what is next. I don’t know if I can get a job in my old field whenever we return. Even if I could get one, I don’t know if I would even want it.

I worry that I stepped off the track right when things were starting to get interesting. In the last year, I’ve had lots of friends land pretty sweet gigs. If I had looked around a bit more, would I have found something I loved?

Sometimes I kick myself that I didn’t spend more time developing a side hustle before the kids, even though looking back I don’t know what I would have done or when I would have done it. Should I be trying more to develop something now? This is hard with limited childcare, but I know people do it. Should I focus on enjoying the boys and life in Italy?

I have no answers. But I definitely worry.

Living in Italy for any amount of time is something most of us can only dream about. What were your expectations before you moved? What’s better than expected?

Initially, things were harder than I realized at the time. My we-made-this-big-change-and-we-are-going-to-LOVE-it-no-matter-what attitude helped out a lot. But there were some long, lonely days. It felt like we were never more than an hour from the baby’s nap or meal. I was intimidated by my kids and my new surroundings. We’d try to explore, but my visions of us sipping cappuccino together at the park? Didn’t happen.

Now, things are easier. Some of it is me hitting my stride; some of it is the kids being at an easier age. My Italian is not great, but I’m more comfortable with the language and just cultural stuff generally. We have our regular barista and market vendors who seem excited to see us. We aren’t as strictly tied to a nap schedule. We sometimes do get cappuccino at the park.

Even when things were tougher, I reveled in the flexibility of our day-to-day. After years of feeling tightly scheduled, it was like my body craved not having to be anywhere at a certain time. Eventually, we added some structure with a few hours of preschool, but having freedom over our schedule? Much better than I expected.

What’s been surprisingly challenging?

Transporting ourselves around town. I love that Rome is walkable (this is good because I didn’t drive here for over a year; now I drive very rarely.), but the city is not stroller-friendly. Between broken, narrow sidewalks and tightly parked cars, it can be a struggle to push any stroller, much less a double. My double is good, but it doesn’t fit on buses and trams.

Now the “baby,” who is almost two, is too big to fit in his carrier. His big brother is better about walking, but not reliably enough to ditch his stroller for the day. I think I thought we’d be flitting about town, exploring new parks and museums, but locomoting the crew is a challenge. Similar issues on transporting groceries. When you can only buy as much as you can carry or stuff under the stroller, you feel like you are ALWAYS grocery shopping!

Did you worry much about living abroad with kids? What do you see as some of the greatest advantages to raising them in a foreign country? What kind of sucks? How do you handle being so far from friends and family?

One of the reasons we wanted to do it now is that we figured it would be easier before the kids were in school.

They probably aren’t old enough to reap many of the advantages of living in another country. I mean, they barely have a frame of reference for life in the United States to compare, but I like that they are being exposed to different things. I enjoy that there is always something new to explore, and it is easy to go on family adventures. Also, our life is a little less hectic than things were in DC.

Italy isn’t super kid-friendly in some ways. I can count on one hand the number of changing tables I’ve seen here. Restaurants have one high chair, if any, and that is if you stay up late enough to eat out. Restaurants typically don’t open until noon or 12:30 for lunch. They close mid-afternoon and don’t open until 7:00 or 7:30 for dinner. This means we save a lot of our dining out for trips; it just doesn’t seem worth it the rest of the time.

But that is all small potatoes compared to missing friends and family. Technology is very helpful, but it doesn’t fix the time difference. We try to Skype or do Google Hangouts with family, but it is never as often as we’d like. We try to send postcards, and I’m always trying to email more. Even though the communication is usually one-sided, my blog helps me feel closer to people back home.

But it sucks. I have friends with kids I’ve never met. We are still friends, but we are no longer tell-each-other-all-your-news friends. It’s hard, but I know I can’t expect to move thousands of miles away and have everything stay the same.

Walk us through your typical day.

As the kids have changed, our routine has really changed! These days I usually get up at 6:00, work out, and try to squeeze in a little writing time before the kids get up. Get ready and breakfast with the kids. Three days a week, my older son does a few hours at Italian daycare, and we need to arrive there by 9:30.

While he is at “school,” my younger son and I usually grab a caffe and hit the market or grocery store or the park before we grab his brother around 11:30. We may hit the playground again or just head home for lunch. During rest time, I try to have my own mental break and do internet stuff or more writing. After rest, we play, and I attempt to start bits of dinner before my husband gets home. Then family evenings, followed by a little time with husband chatting or watching TV. Read. Bed around 10:30.

As you can see, we don’t hit up the Colosseum on a daily basis, but we do have plenty of Italian moments. We walk everywhere, occasionally dodging traffic and motorini. I adore the cafe culture and frequently indulge, even though I try to limit caffeine. Our market vendors know us and suggest new ways to cook fresh produce and fish. And sometimes our playground happens to be at Villa Borghese.

What’s one Italian trait/characteristic/concept you wish you could infuse into American culture? How about something you wish Italy could borrow from America?

I love how easy it is to eat really well here. Yes, Italy is known for pasta and pizza, but Italian food is also full of fresh, seasonal ingredients. I have multiple markets, walkable from my home, that are open six days a week. You won’t see the fish guys on Mondays because fishermen weren’t out on Sunday. Even when we do have pasta and pizza, I know that they only contain a few ingredients; no hard to pronounce ingredients here.

That being said, I wish Italy would get on board with non-Italian cuisine. Italians really really like Italian food. Ethnic food isn’t impossible to find, but it is much harder than in the States. I miss being able to pick up a kebab or grab take-out Thai if I don’t feel like cooking. There are times I’d kill for Tex Mex or sushi. You can find it (or make it), but it is definitely more work than back home.

Spaghetti... the universal language of babies.

Does your husband ever resent the fact that you “stay home” and have more flexibility? Do you ever resent the fact that he gets to go to an office every day?

I think we have moments, but we quickly get a reality check. He probably has twinges on gorgeous weather days when I mention we hit the zoo, but then he remembers that the kids are fun, but also difficult. Particularly when the kids were a little younger, I envied him for getting to walk down the street unencumbered, but he reminded me that work isn’t exactly a vacation.

I’ve struggled in my at-home role at times, trying to figure out what my current job description is. Am I primarily focused on the kids or is EVERYTHING “at home” my responsibility now? To his credit, my husband has never given me a hard time about anything on the home front, such as not cleaning enough, not having dinner on the table, or not dealing with that giant mound of laundry. He knows that the kids are hard, and he does a ton around the house. I do more chores at the moment, but I’d say my working was good training for us for having a better chore split. Not having to do everything at home definitely keeps any resent I might have down.

Also, my husband doesn’t have to work crazy hours or travel a ton. If he did, I predict my response might be very different.

What advice would you give someone considering moving abroad for a job—especially if it means bringing their spouse (and potentially kids) along?

Do it! Haha, that’s just the adventurer in me getting excited.

First, I’d advise to make sure you are making the move for the right reason. Living abroad is not a panacea for life’s ills. All of the regular problems are still there. Some things are a lot harder. You aren’t embarking on the ultimate vacation. Are you ready to deal with sorting out new schools, figuring out how to pay your gas bill, and more--potentially all with the added layer of doing it in a foreign language?

Next, think about your reentry strategy. If the travel is not for your job, can you return to your job after a hiatus? Telecommute? Work on any skills during your stay? In other words, be better than me about this. Even if your stay is open-ended, I think you’d have some peace of mind during your stint abroad with even a loose return plan put together.

If you decide to go, find your community. We’ve been fortunate to be a part of the awesome Embassy community here. I call it like making summer camp buddies. Lots of fast bonding with delightful people all in the same boat. If you don’t have that, look for work groups, expat groups, parent groups, church groups, neighbors or something. It takes work, but it is worth it. We aren’t meant to do everything alone. I can attest, life is more fun if you have a buddy who can get together at 4:00 pm when the day just won’t end or can explore a new neighborhood with you.

And know that kids--particularly very young kids--will slow your roll on travel. There is an added layer of planning. You won’t be able to do things like hit every museum in Paris in 24 hours anymore. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just different. Kids force you to slow down, soak in your surroundings, and appreciate the little things, like kicking a rock down a cobblestone road or slurping gelato on the piazza on a summery day.

* * *

Thanks for sharing your story, Melissa! Follow along on her Italian adventures via Roman Reboot.

If you don't already know, I love a good quitting story. Here's a bunch more that might inspire you to make a big life change.

STUCK IN A RUT?

SIGN UP FOR ACCESS TO THE #HEYELEANORCHALLENGE!

(plus a FREE copy of 107 Ways to Expand Your Comfort Zone)

Info

Comment

Dare: Quit Following People Who Drive You Crazy Online

Are you a hate-follower? I sometimes am.

Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Snapchat: I am on all sorts of social media platforms. I mostly follow friends, family, brands and people I like. But I have to admit, there are a few accounts I've grown to despise. Instead of unfollowing, I do something totally unhealthy.

I hate-follow.

You're probably doing it, too. There's that person from high school who always posts things that are TMI or legitimately insane on Facebook. Or that person who clearly spends hours curating the perfect Instagram photo-- an overhead shot of their [super-trendy brand name] purse's contents all over a table, with lip gloss, a moleskin notebook and something intentionally quirky (M&Ms! A tiny teddy bear! Fruitstripe gum!) placed just so.

Following some people makes my blood boil.

And yet, I can't stop doing it! I recently realized I was addicted to scrolling through the feeds of people who lead these ridiculous online lives. There's a woman who always posts photos of herself in a bikini eating fried chicken and drinking a big gulp (you didn't eat that!), a guy who keeps posting inappropriate Facebook updates about his marriage (My wife sucks. Should I get a divorce?), and one woman who live-tweeted her birth (allegedly not attended by a doctor, midwife or doula :-/ ) from the woods. I never comment. I just hate-follow from a safe distance.

It's like a car wreck. I know I should stop, but I can't stop looking

And then boom, last week I saw a post from one of my hate-follow accounts. I spent a full minute going through all the feelings I had about some stupid, totally fake-y artsy photo they'd shared. Anger, frustration, and finally wanting to shake the person who posted said photo and scream get over yourself!!!! And then I had a moment of clarity.

Why do I do this to myself?

So, I unfollowed them. And then I unfollowed their equally irritating girlfriend's account. And then the fried chicken girl. And then birth-from-the-woods lady.

It felt so, so good.

I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. Yes, actually I do. I fear missing out. I think we all feed off the crazy of social media. It gives us a hit of emotion-- happiness, sadness, excitement and even anger-- that can be completely addicting. I am guilty of it. But last week, I decided I'd had enough. Why do I need hits of frustration and anger many times a day? I don't. So I unfollowed. I already feel happier. And if for some reason I'm craving a hit of hate-follow, I can always just go look at their feeds. Just because I stopped following doesn't mean they've stopped posting.

Be honest: who are you hate following?

Maybe you should take a break.

I dare you to unfollow the humble-bragger from work, or the person who lives the "perfect" life online (but in real-life, you know it's a mess!), or the gal who thinks you actually give a shit about the outfits she instagrams every day (with a big, fat LiketoKnowit link, or whatever). Hate following, while addictive and fun, probably isn't enhancing your life at all.

* * *

If you haven't noticed, I think quitting can be awesome. Here's a few ways that you could quit & make your life better!

STUCK IN A RUT?

SIGN UP FOR ACCESS TO THE #HEYELEANORCHALLENGE!

(plus a FREE copy of 107 Ways to Expand Your Comfort Zone)

Info

7 Comments

Why I Started Drinking After 14 Years of Sobriety

My name is Nathan N. and I am not an alcoholic.

I've known Nathan for nearly a decade, and always knew he was sober. So when I saw him drinking a beer at a party the other weekend, I could've totally been classy about it an not said anything. Ha, as if! He told me he stopped going to meetings years ago after he decided he wasn't an alcoholic. He's publicly sharing his story for the first time here, and I have to say I am impressed by his bravery!

Here's how it all went down in Nathan's own words.

* * *

What did your life look like before you got sober?

Right before I got sober, I was working at Caribou Coffee as an hourly barista with about 10 people who were in [a 12-step program]. I didn’t know many people in the Twin Cities, was living with my brother, and just sort of building a social life around working at the coffee shop. Pretty boring, pretty unexciting.

When did you get sober? Did you go to treatment?

I got sober on April 4, 2001, and not at all a sexy “getting sober” story of being whisked off to treatment, or having an intervention. I was supposed to open the Caribou that day and didn’t show up. I had a friend from out east visiting me from boarding school, and we were spending the night at another classmates of ours. I vividly remember having too much to drink and when my alarm went off at 4am, I tried making myself throw up so I could get sober enough to drive the 20 miles to St. Paul to go to work. It didn’t help, so I just shut my phone off and went back to sleep.

I woke up to about 10 missed calls from my manager, my parents, my brother who I was living with. All wondering where I was because work called and said I didn’t show up. I filled an afternoon shift that day in exchange for the person who had to work my shift. Then after work I just felt so depressed, that I went to Barnes and Noble and bought the “Big Book”. I was so nervous to buy it and the guy at the check out paused, looked at me softly, and said, I hope your night gets better. I went home, started reading it and then called my boss and said I wanted to get sober.

To be clear, Nathan still drinks WAY more coffee than he does alcohol.

hat do you think was the root cause of your drinking/drug use?

My drinking 100-percent started when I was in 6th grade. I was depressed that my best friend passed away. I didn’t know how to cope with it, I went to therapy, was on medication, but I just couldn’t relate to any of my friends anymore. I cried daily, didn’t want to do anything I used to enjoy doing, and would just try to have a few shots once in a while to try to make myself feel different.

Do you feel like getting sober saved your life?

My family and I would agree that going to boarding school for high school saved my life. It got me out of my daily routine of depression back home where I had a daily struggle to get through the day. Boarding school mixed that up and gave me a fresh start, sort of. But my life wasn’t at all in danger of crashing or getting worse because of my drinking at the time of me getting sober. The time I didn’t show up for work was probably the first time in a year or two that I even had been drunk.

What did working a 12-step program do for you? How did it change your life? How many years were you active in the community?

While previously mentioning that I don’t think it “saved my life,” it sure gave me a great new life. It gave me tools and a program to deal with my issues of depression, loneliness, feeling lost, and not taking care of myself. And for 9 or 10 years, I was actively involved in it with a sponsoring and sponsoring others while going to meetings weekly and giving back.

At what point did you start thinking, “Hey, I’m not sure that I am an alcoholic?” Why did you think you weren’t an alcoholic?

It was in my 4th or 5th year that I really questioned if I was an alcoholic. Yes, I related to all of the stories that “life has been so much better since I got sober,” but there were lists and lists of things that I couldn’t relate to. The program just keeps telling you to focus on your similarities, not your differences, so I just didn’t focus on it too much.

I wasn’t feeling like I was an alcoholic, just that once I got sober, life got better. I didn’t ever — and I can’t stress this enough — I didn’t’ ever have to wake up in the morning and say today, I’m not going to have a drink. That was big for most people in the program. They make a daily decision that today they’re not going to have one. For me, it was more like the 16 years I was a vegetarian. I just didn’t eat meat. I just didn’t drink. And meeting new people, it was just an easy second sentence in my story that I don’t drink.

The other things that clued me into the thoughts that I wasn’t an alcoholic is that I could be at the clubs and bars and have no desire to drink. I didn’t even see other people with a drink and think, oh, I wish I could do that, they’re having so much more fun than me. Also, I never cheated, stole or did illegal things when I did drink. I wasn’t really that sure why I even got into the program in the first place, I just knew that my life wasn’t working or going great, and that was one of the few things that I hadn’t tried, and it seemed to make things better.

What does it meant to be a true, chemically dependent alcoholic/drug addict?

From my experience with friends in the program, they had to constantly fight urges to not drink. And once they started, they couldn’t stop. I don’t remember that being the case for me. I remember times in my teens that I got drunk, and I remember times in my teens that I had a drink. But it wasn’t a mentally consuming concern like I heard in the rooms of meetings.

Was the thought of leaving the program scary for you? What specifically was scary?

It was a gradual thing for me. I stopped going to meetings 3-4 years ago and just focused on doing service work through my church and my foundation [the Carson Glore Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to improving life through education]. And that seemed to be normal for most of my sober friends. I found things that fulfilled me in ways that the program did for them. So leaving the program was the easy part. Telling people I wasn’t an alcoholic, that a different story and one that took me 3 or 4 years to tell.

Nathan with his mom, friend Lloyd and the students at the first school his foundation built in Kenya.

When we spoke about this a few weeks ago, I asked you which coming out was more stressful: coming out as gay OR as not an alcoholic. You said the latter. Why?

Being gay was far less scary than not being an alcoholic. Coming out to friends and family that I was gay was gradual and in very different times. Everyone in boarding school knew that I liked boys, but also that I dated girls, so I was really able to be myself, but didn’t come out to my family until I was about 6 months sober and was part of my “being honest about everything." But it wasn’t a huge deal. I didn’t feel like there was a stigma with it.

Telling people that have supported me being sober, attending all of my sober anniversaries and supporting me being a sober alcoholic, was hard. I felt like I was telling them that all of that support was for nothing. That it was all fake and it wasn’t my story. My story was that there was a moment in my life where I had tried everything to improve my life from medication to therapy, and even geographic changes like moving to New York at 15 — but nothing really made my life great. So I figured I would try this after having one night of drinking too much and nearly losing my job as a barista. It was far more simple.

How did your family react? Friends? Your recovery community?

I told one of my best friends first and it was so scary. She’s not in recovery, but was sober for a few years because of her own health issues that didn’t go well with alcohol. She was completely supportive of me being honest and figuring this out for myself. Then I told my next best friend and another and another, and pretty soon I had told about 5 or 6 people-- all of whom were 100% supportive of me. Many said that they weren’t surprised, that they know other people in recovery or non-recovering alcoholics and they see the daily struggles and haven’t ever with me.

My mom was my first family member and she said that her job as a mother is to worry about all of her children, but also that she sees where I’m coming from and just wants to me to have a good, healthy and happy life. Then more family, all who were and are so incredibly supportive.

I’ve had the chance to tell some sober friends, but because years have passed since going to meetings, that group of friends has been more sparse. However, the ones that I have all were completely supportive and some said getting sober so young always makes them wonder how one would really know. One friend in recovery even sent me a text a few hours later saying A) It takes a lot to tell someone you’re alcoholic. B) It takes an even bigger man to tell yourself and someone else you’re not. C) He loves me and is happy for me.

What was that first drink like? Who was with you? Did you take any specific precautions?

I wanted to make sure that I put enough space between having these conversations with friends and family and my first drink, so it probably took a month. Of course many of them wanted to buy me my first drink on the spot of the conversation, but I always declined. It was important for me for some reason to have my first drink by myself. I’ve always carried a cases of wine in my house, bottles of beer, and all sorts of liquor for years, I just never had a reason to drink any of it myself.

So on a hot summer day, I sat on my back patio, my dog was playing in the back yard, and I decided to have a bottle of Stella. And so I did. It was incredibly un-apocalyptic. It didn’t feel like wow, this is the first drink of alcohol in 14 years, how do I feel, what’s my mind feel like, what’s my body feel like, am I doing the right thing, what’s going to happen next. All I thought was, this is nice. What a beautiful way to wrap up this summer Saturday.

I’m sure many people are thinking, you gave up alcohol for x years. Why even start drinking again?

You would think. But that was probably one of the least responses. Most people said things like they love just having a glass of red wine with their dinner once in a while, or having a beer around a bonfire, or some champagne to celebrate something and they could see why I would want to have those things, too.

And I think the most obvious reason I can think of why people didn’t really jump to that is because if you aren’t an alcoholic, why would you keep living like one? If you were gay and married to woman for 14 years, people wouldn’t asked you why you’d get divorced now if you’ve made it that long, they’d say you need to go live your authentic version of you.

There's a notion that you “learn who your real friends are when you get sober.” Did you find a similar lesson when you decided to not be sober any more?

I did hear that a lot, but didn’t experience it on the getting sober side. I didn’t have a ton of friends when I got sober so I didn’t lose a single one. And since not being sober, I haven’t lost one either. Thankfully.

For a lot of people, the idea of someone who identified as an alcoholic deciding to drink again seems like playing with fire. How did you know this was an okay choice for you? How did you reassure your friends and family?

I would say it was my not working the program for a few years and not even having to put effort into not drinking was such a simple, clear sign to me that it wasn’t a big deal in my life. It was just one of the many examples that I could see, and they saw it too. So it wasn’t as big of an issue as I was planning it to be.

Advice for someone who thinks they might not be an alcoholic? How can friends and family support someone in the midst making this choice?

In recovery they always say that the only requirement is the desire to stop drinking. Once I didn’t have that desire, it didn’t make sense for me to be in recovery. And for someone who doesn’t want to stay sober because they have the same feelings I had, I say have some long conversations with people around you first. Truly listen to what others’ feedback is. Without a doubt, had I heard people tell me stories of my destructive behavior when I drank, or list off the consequences of my drinking, I would have stayed sober. I told myself that. But since no one had lists of consequences or behaviors that proved the contrary, I felt safe about my decision to move forward.

So my advice would be to have the conversations first and made your own decisions from there. But don’t start drinking without telling people you trust and then just later tell them it’s because you made this decision.

Conversely, what’s your advice for someone seeking help for chemical dependency?

Go to the closest and soonest 12-step meeting and when they ask anyone new to raise your hand… raise your hand. And don’t stop going back because you haven’t connected with the right people yet. If you have the desire to stop drinking, then stop at nothing to stop. It may be a life or death decision for you.

* * *

Big thanks to Nathan for sharing his story. Learn more about Nathan's non-profit, the Carson Glore Foundation.

If you're looking for help with chemical dependency, learn more here.

Another quitter story you might like? How about Jina, who quit drinking even though she's not an alcoholic.

Info

Comment

I Quit My 9-to-5 to Start My Own Company (& PS I'm only 22)

Brittany is proving the "entitled millennial" stereotype wrong.

It took Brittany Barnhart about five seconds to realize working for someone else wasn't for her. So this 21-year-old ditched her job to start her own thing. So millennial, right? Except Brittany isn't a stereotypical millennial. This Ypsilanti, Michigan resident busts her butt to create fun, clever illustrations and designs-- and her clients couldn't be happier. Neither could she. Here's how and why she starter her company, Just Curious.

* * *

Last April, you quit your full-time job to start your own business. Prior to leaving, what did your life look and feel like?

Prior to leaving my full-time job at a print shop, my life felt ordinary and stagnant. I dreaded everyday, because it was the same: wake up, do personal work, go to work, get home, workout, shower, sleep, repeat. It wasn’t always like that though; I loved my job for the first year and a half. I was constantly learning, and it was a new world for me. I felt incredibly lucky; the print shop was 5 minutes from my house, the people I worked with were like family, and I was constantly learning and growing as a designer. They hired me fresh out of college and taught me everything that they knew, which I’m incredibly thankful for!

But, after that, nothing was new. There were things I could have learned, but those were project-based, so I wouldn’t learn it if the job never came in. Weeks would go by and I couldn’t remember anything that happened during the week. A friend asked me once “How was your week? What did you do?” I literally sat there for a few minutes, thinking as hard as I could to figure out what had been done that week, and my response was “nothing.” After that, it hit me that there needed to be a change.

What pushed you to finally quit your job?

A serious relationship I'd been in for three years had ended in November, and after that I took a long, hard look at my life. I realized how unhappy I had been for so long. The relationship had poured into every other aspect of my life. I remember standing at a copier, observing, and thinking to myself “I am 21-years-old, in a job that is taking me nowhere, doing the same shit every day, having the same conversations, producing work that isn’t showing any growth…why am I still here? This is MY life. There is no reason for me to be unhappy.”

It took a few months to figure out what I wanted. The thought of leaving a secure job was terrifying; I was able to clock in, do my work, clock out, have a social life, and get paid regularly. But, my happiness depended on the weekends, and that is not okay for me.

Was the decision scary for you? Why or why not?

The decision was terrifying and exciting at the same time. I was starting from scratch. When I put my two weeks in, I had no prospective clients or source of income that I knew of, I didn’t have a logo or website for my business; I quit knowing that I had to build my brand from the ground up, and knew that it would take a while to get clients.

My last day is still incredibly vivid, but it seems like years ago. Throughout the entire day, I felt like I was going to puke and couldn’t stop shaking…but that’s when I knew that I was doing was the right thing. The thought of leaving my full-time job with a consistent pay was terrifying, but that’s not what was going to make me happy. What was going to make me happy was making the jump and knowing that I at least tried.

You’re only 21, which is pretty darn young to be starting your own thing. What advantages do you think your age affords you? What disadvantages?

I don’t need much sleep. Haha! This may not be an age thing, but I’m a quick learner and can pick up pieces easily as I go along. Since April, there has been so much information that I’ve been able to learn and retain, and put into practice. This way, I’m starting out now, and am able to really experiment with how to reach out to clients. I’m also more willing to take bigger risks that I may not feel so inclined to do down the road.

Disadvantages is that there are people who think that because I am (now) 22, they can push me around or assume that I don’t have a backbone. I may be young, but I know exactly what I want and work hard for what I want. Nothing is going to land into my lap, so I’m going to work as hard as I can to earn it.

Another disadvantage is when people initially meet me, they might not take me seriously, due to preconceived notions of my age group. I haven’t come across a lot of people who are my age with the focus that I have. A lot of them are still going to college and trying to find a major, which is totally normal and okay! When I went to college, I had stumbled into graphic design because I used to watch my dad do web design, and realized that it was a perfect fit for me.

What was it like to land your first-ever paid gig working on your own?

It was incredibly exciting, it actually ended up being a referral. I remember reading the email and pure joy washed over me, and goosebumps covered my arms! Someone was contacting me to solve their visual problem and trusted me with it. At that moment, I knew that running my own business is exactly what I wanted to do.

What kinds of people hire you? What are your favorite projects to work on?

My favorite projects to work on are illustrations, and ones where the client is really passionate about what they’re doing. That’s a really vague answer but the difference between working with someone who is passionate and who isn’t makes a HUGE difference on my attitude towards the project.

My portfolio is illustration-heavy because I’m passionate about it; hours could go by and I wouldn’t even notice. Ideally, I would be spending a majority of my time doing illustration work, but I’m currently doing a lot of branding, invitations, and even a coloring book!

So, you’re a millennial. I’m sure you’re aware of the general consensus that millennials are entitled, aren’t willing to pay their dues and need a lot of hand holding. Do you think there’s some truth to that?

This question is really hard, because there is some truth to it and there’s not. There is the general consensus that millennials feel entitled and don’t want to work hard, and from what I’ve seen from my graduating class and people over the years, is that there is some truth to it. (It honestly drives me crazy). Millenials are reading all of these stories on how people are becoming successful and think that it’s an easy road that will just fall into their lap. Sorry to break it to you, but that’s NOT how it works. They don’t pay attention to the rest of the story, where people build up their business for years and finally find their version of success. Millenials think there’s an easy way up, and there’s not. But, again, not all of them are like that.

When I was growing up, I watched my parents work their asses off to provide a life for their family. Watching them consistently work hard and do what they had to do, even if it was something that they didn’t want, made me work just as hard. They made a lot of sacrifices for me, so there’s no way that I should feel “entitled” to anything. When I was younger, I remember watching my mom and just being amazed at the woman that she was (and still is). She knows what she wants, she works for it, and does everything herself. Watching that when I was a child shaped who I am today; if I want something, I have to work for it and do it myself.

What’s the biggest misconception about your new career?

That anybody with Microsoft word can be a designer.

Happiest moment since starting your own business? Most frustrating?

The most frustrating moment has been having my first nightmare client within my first three months of running my own business…and not even getting paid for the entire job! You can read more about that experience on my website, but it was a horrible experience (that I’m thankful for.) It taught me a lot, but it was the two longest weeks of my life!

The happiest moment so far since starting my own business is working with a passionate client, someone who was completely invested in the idea and knew what they had to do to make it happen. He was the first client that I had after my nightmare experience, and was open to whatever I brought to the table. He was excited about his idea, and that is what made me passionate about working on his project. It was great because it was a collaboration between us and that made his brand stronger. Another happy moment was when I earned more in a week than I did in an entire month at my previous job. That was definitely a happy day! *high five*

How has quitting changed your life?

Quitting has changed everything about my life. There is no longer the feeling of stagnation and boredom; everyday is full of new adventures that are helping me become successful. There’s a huge amount of freedom that comes with running your own business and at the same time, there is a lot of diligence that needs to come with it, too.

I love that I am in control; if something screws up, it’s my fault; if I land a big gig, it’s because I hustled and earned it. What I do everyday determines where my future is going. I’m not working to help someone else have a successful future and not get appreciated for it; I’m working for me and doing what I need to do to make the future amazing.

Since quitting, I’ve become more determined, creative and confident. It has also opened up my eyes to things that are incredibly important to me: I am a 22-year-old woman, running her own business, and I want to help other women make that jump or be a source to come to when they need someone to talk to. There are people who don’t feel confident enough in their abilities, and I want to help them gain that confidence back so they can make their dreams a reality.

Think this your current lifestyle is a forever thing?

YES! A million times yes. Thinking about going back to having a boss and making them successful does not sit right with me. Just thinking about having a boss in general makes me sick. I don’t ever want to have to go back to the 9 to 5.

Advice to someone who’s considering striking out on their own?

Dive in with determination and passion. Be relentless in everything that you do and push the boundaries. Have confidence and know that if this is something that you want to do, you can make it happen.

* * *

Check out Brittany's company, Just Curious. PS How delightful is this branding??? Follow Brittany on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook if ya want.

Want more quitters? How 'bout these fine folks:

Michelle quit her agency job to start her own web deign company.
Why these two crazy kids decided to live in an Airstream trailer full-time.
This hot babe stopped dyeing her silver hair, and launched a international modeling career.

STUCK IN A RUT?

SIGN UP FOR ACCESS TO THE #HEYELEANORCHALLENGE!

(plus a FREE copy of 107 Ways to Expand Your Comfort Zone)

Info

3 Comments

I Quit My Corporate Design Job to Flip Houses

Karen Goodman's Fridays just got waaaay more casual. And dirtier.

Karen Goodman has the job you dream about on weekends... when you're sucked into your seventh episode of anything on HGTV. Yep, she flips houses. But unlike most flippers, Karen has a background in design and actually gives a crap about how her projects look, not just how much money she'll make. I talked to this Boston gal about quitting her not-so-fulfilling 9-5 to become a flipper. Here's her story.

* * *

Two-and-a-half years ago, you were working in the corporate interior design world. What did you do from 9-5? What did your life look and feel like?

I was an interior designer for architecture firms. I worked on a range of projects from healthcare to corporate, but the bottom line was that I sat in a cubicle and stared at a computer for 40 hours a week. I sat in a cubicle designing cubicles. The work didn’t allow for much creativity and I found the unchanging routine mind-numbing. I was on the same train every morning with the same people, sat in the same chair for 8 hours, staring at the same screen and repeated the same thing the next day. I was at a good company with great people, so I knew if I wasn’t happy there, it was time to look at other creative career paths.

What pushed you to finally quit your job?

I always said that I studied interior design in school because I couldn’t picture myself sitting behind a computer all the time and yet that’s where I ended up. It just wasn’t me! My confidence took a huge hit because I was pushing myself aside to fill the role that I felt I needed to. I was at a “something’s gotta give” point and it was time to make a major change before I lost myself completely.

Was the decision scary for you? Why or why not?

It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done! I’m a play-it-safe gal, so going out on a limb like that scared the crap out of me! If it wasn’t for my husband rooting me on (and maybe giving me some gentle shoving), I’m not sure I would have ever had the guts to do something so drastic.

Feb 8th, 2013, my last day at the 9-to-5, was actually a huge snowstorm. It was completely bittersweet since pretty much no one made it into the office, but it gave me a chance to be a crying mess without everyone's eyes on me. I was surprised how emotional I was leaving. I wasn’t sad, but the unknown is pretty darn scary!

I so relate! Who or what helped you cope?

My husband has had a lot to put up with in the past 2.5 years. At times I’ve turned our house into construction staging or a temporary storage unit, not to mention the crazy stressed out wife he’s had to deal with. Yet somehow he’s there, holding me up, pushing me to the next project, believing in my talents, and reminding me that if it was easy, everyone would do it.

Before. Would you honestly cook in there? Ew.

After. I can almost taste the chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven.

What appealed to you about flipping houses?

I’ve always been a hands-on person, so in my head, it just made sense as a way to dip my toes into residential design and make a bit of cash on the way. Seeing traditional flippers generally makes me sad. It’s not about the house for them, it’s all about the money. While yes, the money is certainly a (pretty huge) factor, I’m trying to rescue these houses. Every house has a history and a story.

My soul dies a little every time I see a cool old house being torn down for another soulless new construction.

Like everyone, I love watching HGTV and thinking about all the things I’ll do when I start flipping houses (which will probably be never). What’s the biggest misconception about your new career?

The biggest misconception is that it is in any way glamorous. Yes, the finished results look pretty amazing, but up until about a week before the final product, it’s a mess, I’m a mess, and any organization is so far out the window it’s in another time zone. It isn’t unusual for there to be paint in my hair, who-knows-what under my fingernails, and bruises on my shins (because I’m a dainty flower). What I wouldn’t give for a manicure that would last more than a day!

Before... you needed a shower after taking a shower.

How much of your flips do you DIY? What do you hire out for?

This really depends on the houses themselves. My very basic rule on this one is if it has to do with structure, plumbing, or electrical, I call the pros. I’m only willing to deal with aesthetics myself (tiling, light woodworking, painting, etc). Even then, it all comes down to time versus money. I’ve had several flips where I did almost everything myself, but to avoid burn-out, I’m trying to hand more over to my contractors. I could never be hands-off though; it’s just not my style. For example, my agenda for the coming week includes painting, tiling a backsplash, installing cabinet knobs, and probably a few random repairs thrown in.

No more boring water cooler chat for Karen!

Happiest moment since starting your new gig? Saddest/most frustrating? I’m sure you’ve cried at least once. I probably would cry once a day.

Happiest moment: earning on one house what would've been my yearly salary. The cherry on top was that the house sold from the very first open house! That same house was also the most frustrating, tear-inducing, challenging, and personally trying project that I took on. An antique craftsman bungalow was a labor of love, but it almost broke me! (<<< Hey Eleanor note: but how friggin' gorgeous is that house? I'd be throwing money at you, too, Karen!)

How has quitting changed your life?

I’ve found myself again. It took a while, but I gave myself a vehicle to rebuild my confidence and figure out where I want to take my life. That’s the more profound answer. The more topical answer is that being your own boss is kinda cool. Yes, I do work more hours and much harder than I ever did before, but ya know what? If a friend comes to town unexpectedly, I don’t have to ask for time off. The flexibility and creative control of my life is worth every extra hour that I put in.

Think this your current lifestyle is a forever thing?

As it currently stands, definitely not. As an entrepreneur, definitely. The goal from day one was to use flipping as a way to get into residential design and eventually real estate rentals. With my residential design business finally taking flight, I see the flipping slowing down a bit, but certainly not stopping. I’ll probably always be looking for a cool new project.

That's a nice office view, if I do say do m'self.

What are the three most important things you’ve learned since quitting your corporate job & working for yourself?

I still struggle with this one, but set a routine. Without some semblance of a routine, lack of motivation and focus can creep in.

Stand by your strengths. You went down this road for a reason, so quit doubting yourself and do what you do!

I know I already mentioned this one, but “if it were easy, everyone would do it.” Being your own boss is going to be difficult and challenging and trying, but if you’re willing to put up with the not so easy parts, it’s TOTALLY worth it.

Advice to someone who’s thinking of liberating their life?

If something feels off in your current life, it probably is! We only get one to live, so I say take the leap!! (But make sure there are a few pillows at the bottom, just in case).